Nothing says “we mean business” like a government press release dripping with righteous fury at water companies… followed immediately by doing absolutely nothing to change the rotten system they helped create.

Ministers are once again donning their hi-vis vests of performative outrage, promising fines, accountability, and tough talk about “cracking down” on those naughty water firms who—oopsie!—keep pumping raw sewage into our rivers, lakes, and coastal waters like it’s some sort of dystopian spa treatment.

The Great British Sewage Swindle

Let’s not pretend this is about bad apples. The entire barrel is rancid. The UK water industry isn’t just broken—it was smashed to bits, sold off, and shipped offshore in a dividend-stained envelope decades ago.

What should be a basic public utility is now a profit-churning Ponzi scheme, with taxpayers left to foot the bill for upgrades while shareholders sip Champagne over charts showing a steady rise in turd-per-share.

Privatised Water: A Uniquely British Tragedy

No other country in Europe allows its water to be privately owned. None. Zero. That’s because they understand what we apparently don’t: water is not a luxury good or a stock market toy—it’s a human right.

But in Britain, we’ve turned it into a racket. A con. A money-making environmental catastrophe dressed up in corporate logos and slogans about sustainability, while the beaches and rivers are full of more shit than a Southern Water press release.

We’re Swimming in It—Literally

Decades of privatisation and regulatory cowardice have given us a system where rivers are toxic, wildlife is vanishing, and coastal communities have to check tide tables to avoid swimming through a slurry of human effluent.

It’s killed tourism in places where people once came to kayak, surf, or just enjoy not being knee-deep in filth. Who wants to travel the world to visit Britain’s scenic sewage outlets?

Seize It. Fix It. Stop Talking.

Let’s be clear: nothing will improve until the government stops flapping its arms and starts doing what’s necessary. Seize the assets. Bring water back into public ownership. Reinvest profits into infrastructure, not yachts.

Stop pretending that private companies—whose only legal obligation is to maximise shareholder return—will suddenly develop a conscience because you shouted at them on Twitter.

A Sewer With a Flag

Until that happens, we’re not a country. We’re a cautionary tale. A nation gaslit into thinking sewage in the sea is just part of the charm.

A sewer with a flag.