I should know better than to get up early on a winter morning to watch England get thrashed by Australia. But I can’t help myself. Some deluded part of my brain insists I must endure every abject performance, just in case I miss the once-in-a-generation moment England accidentally do something worth celebrating.

In this latest cricketing catastrophe, England have added an extra layer of torment by occasionally looking like they’re on top before crumbling like my knees during my latest final appearance for Oakley CC. And when England do collapse, they don’t even look especially bothered. Don’t worry though, it’s all part of “trusting the process.” God only knows what that process actually is.

From Respectable to Ridiculous

After scoring a respectable 338 in Brisbane, England managed to extinguish any advantage by bowling without a plan and fielding like an Under-10s rounders team on a Haribos induced sugar high. Australia, who thrive on opposition incompetence, happily tucked into the buffet and waltzed to a big first-innings lead.

Then came the second innings, where England briefly moved from “no hope” into the “false hope” zone. Crawley and Duckett played a few glorious shots, nudging the barometer tantalisingly towards “genuine hope.” But of course, in true England fashion, the moment the needle flickers in the right direction, chaos erupts. Cue a flurry of ill-judged nonsense fit for Hampshire County North Division 6 and the game tucked neatly into bed.

Brains Optional

That’s what really breaks you as a fan: these lads can actually play. They just seem incapable of controlling a match like Australia do. Maybe it’s the brain fog of being instructed to attack everything, as if the seasoned Australian bowlers aren’t quietly amused at how easy it is to dangle a carrot. One dismissal even had the Aussie fielders staring at their boots like naughty schoolboys who’ve just left a drawing pin on the teacher’s chair.

Meanwhile at our club, us old boys get roasted on WhatsApp by the younger lads who think we love the humiliation and are just miserable old sods pretending to support England. But honestly, I’m desperate to see England roll the Aussies over. But every time it’s the same Groundhog Day disaster: a brief spell of competence followed by a collapse you could set your watch by.

Bazball: Entertaining… For Everyone Else

If there is a silver lining, it might be the slow, painful death of Bazball, a tactic that seems designed to make England the most entertaining losers in world sport. Entertaining for the opposition, that is, who know every fleeting moment of English dominance will end in slapstick chaos that makes the Keystone Cops look like a gritty police documentary.

And yet, like a fool, I still want to be wrong. I want England to smash a custard pie in my face and stick me on national TV apologising for doubting “the process.” I’ll happily take that humiliation. But unless something miraculous happens, it’s not coming.

Stubbornness Masquerading as Strategy

England’s blind faith that they’re doing what it takes to win the Ashes means nothing will change until the management does. This regime is the cricketing equivalent of the Liz Truss budget; utterly convinced of its genius while the entire world watches it fall apart in real time.

At this rate, it can only be a matter of time before someone in the setup goes full Kevin Keegan and declares that “Australia still have to go to Middlesbrough and get something.”