England Scapegoat Ratings
Posted on June 8, 2010
We are now only four day away from the greatest show on earth, and it is great to see that the company(Match Hospitality Ltd) where Sepp Blatters nephew Phillipe is President and CEO has won an “open” tender to sell corporate packages, so much for money benefiting the host nation. In my opinion Sepp Blatter and FIFA are corruption personified, but before I get sued I will stop, and let you judge for yourself by reading this article in The Guardian
On a lighter note, after hearing on today’s news that domestic violence increases when England play, I have decided to issue my unofficial scapegoat ratings for the English team in South Africa. Ever since Peter Bonnetti’s howling performance against West Germany in 1970, England have had several coveted scapegoat winners from Kevin Keegan in Spain 82, the first foreign winner (Diego Maradonna) in 1986, Chris Waddle in 1990, David Beckham 1998, David Seaman 2002 and Wayne Rooney in 2006.
But who will be this years effigy hanging outside Upton Park? who will be the lucky fall guy who gets crucified in the Tabloids with donkey ears on his head? Will the award be retained by a hot headed Wayne Rooney? Will David “Calamity” James at 39, finally get the trophy the press have been dreaming of. The new World Cup “Beach ball” not only has all the ingredients not only for a James howler, but also a vintage English penalty miss! You read it here first!
Misery: Penalty villain and 1990 England Scapegoat winner Chris Waddle
David James
Goalkeeper
Scapegoat Rating 9/10
This is James’ first big opportunity to make one of his traditional howlers at a major tournament, and probably his last. A lot depends on whether he is number one in front of Rob Green, but if this is the case, his tendency to lose concentration, a light ball, and unfamiliar altitude make him a tournament favourite.
Rob Green
Goalkeeper
Scapegoat Rating 5/10
Fighting with David James for the number 1 spot, but if selected unlikely to challenge him for Scapegoat award, hasn’t yet developed a full range of potential howlers to grab the headlines.
Joe Hart
Goalkeeper
Scapegoat rating 2/10
Unlikely to figure in the tournament, if he does, he has shown little evidence of Scapegoat potential.
Jamie Carragher
Defender
Scapegoat rating 4/10
Would and could be higher, he has previous (a penalty miss v Portugal in 2006) but his chances of playing are 50/50 though the withdrawal of Ferdinand will enhance his chances.
Ledley King
Defender
Scapegoat rating 6/10
Injury to Ferdinand has raised hopes for King, and a patchy performance against Mexico plus a pair of dodgy knees make him a contender. Has decent chance of a mistimed penalty area challenge or a glaring miss in a shoot out. Definitely one to watch.
Glen Johnson
Defender
Scapegoat Rating 7/10
Johnson senses this could be his tournament as his tracking back and defensive qualities offer plenty of panic stricken moments for England, and he has a great chance of giving away a late penalty. If Johnson can eradicate from his mind the great goal he scored against Mexico, and crush his tendency to be a dangerous overlapping right back, this may just be his year.
John Terry
Defender
Scapegoat Rating 8/10
One of the tournament favourites after a rough second half of the season both on and off the field, the tabloids knives are already out and being sharpened. Terry has all the ingredients required for a scapegoat, a dodgy personal life, potential shirt tugging penalty when done for speed, various sending off options, and even if he does perform well, an injury to Ashley Cole leading to calls of “Where is Wayne Bridge” could still land him the title. The peoples favourite.
Matt Upson
Defender
Scapegoat rating 3/10
Unlikely to play if others stay fit, shows little scapegoat experience when required. Not a great player but lacks the calamity X factor.
Ashley Cole
Defender
Scapegoat rating 7/10
It is rare that such a good and reliable defender has such a high scapegoat rating, but Cole’s personal life has catapulted him in to the fall guy frame. The press will be salivating in anticipation at any hint of a mistake from Cole, as will his estranged and untalented wife Cheryl. Potential winner.
Stephen Warnock
Defender
Scapegoat rating 3/10
If Cole stays fit, Warnock will not play, if he does he will tend to be left well alone by the press as he has little or no tarnished celebrity status required to be in contention.
Michael Dawson
Defender
Scapegoat rating 4/10
Likely to play some part, but the seemingly decent Dawson is more likely to be dependable and unassuming. It would take a late night bar brawl, a dalliance with a prostitute and missed penalty to give Dawson a chance, none of which are likely to happen.
Frank Lampard
Midfielder
Scapegoat Rating 8/10
After failing to perform at so many major tournaments Lampard will be disappointed not to have scooped the prize thus far, however after recently missing two penalties he has stated his intention to be a contender this time round. A broken marriage and strong following from Chelsea haters all bode well for Lampard, and a decent penalty miss may land him the ultimate prize at last.
Shaun Wright- Phillips
Midfielder
Scapegoat rating 2/10
Will play as a substitute for Aaron Lennon, but just disappearing during a match is not good enough at this level, his only opportunity will be a penalty shoot out miss.
Aaron Lennon
Midfielder
Scapegoat rating 3/10
Only just pips Wright Phillips, purely because he is likely to spend more time on the pitch. No real scapegoat potential this time round.
Steve Gerrard
Midfielder
Scapegoat rating 7/10
Like Lampard, he has been so close, so often, and the newly appointed captain will want to perform this time round. A shady private life and a strained relationship with some sections of the media are all positives, but Gerrard will have to rein in his instincts to be a good player to really stand a chance.
Michael Carrick
Midfielder
Scapegoat rating 3/10
A poor season for club and country offer encouragement, but Carrick is unlikely to play a part, and if he does, he is unlikely to step forward and clatter someone in the area, he will just go missing, and that wont be enough.
Joe Cole
Midfielder
Scapegoat Rating 2/10
No wars with the media, no unpopularity with fans, and no reckless challenge history make Cole a rank outsider.
Gareth Barry
Midfielder
Scapegoat Rating 1/10
Likable and dependable Barry lacks any scapegoat potential unless you are a bitter Aston Villa fan. Rank outsider.
James Milner
Midfielder
Scapegoat rating 3/10
His versatility is his only opportunity, with mass injuries to central defenders forcing him to play in an unfamiliar role, though even this may not be enough to have any chance.
Peter Crouch
Forward
Scapegoat rating 5/10
Crouch has the potential to miss a sitter or a penalty, but his general pleasant and professional demeanour offer little hope this time round. Needs a huge media fall out or a night in a lap dancing bar to propel him in to the group of favourites. Would suit a pair of superimposed donkey ears.
Jermaine Defoe
Forward
Scapegoat rating 6/10
Defoe has a penalty miss ratio that is second to none, but lack of minutes on the pitch and limited personal problems may leave Defoe relying on a Quarter Final penalty shoot out for it to be his year, though a starting place will enhance his chances.
Emile Heskey
Forward
Scapegoat rating 9/10
This could at last, be his year. The ageing Heskey who is a nervous character, will get opportunities to miss sitters and is a cast iron certainty to miss a penalty, he also has the added bonus of being a tabloid press target. If he can refrain from being a creative foil for Wayne Rooney, Heskey could go all the way.
Wayne Rooney
Forward
Scapegoat Rating 7/10
Rooney has developed a reputation as a one trick pony over the years with his fiery temper likely to be his only hope of glory. A fine player, and a fans and media hero, his petulant behaviour in a warm up game offered potential, but a maturing Rooney may have lost his ability to stamp on the bollocks of an opponent. The relatively cool winter climate in South Africa won’t help as Rooney relies on high temperatures to really lose the plot.
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