I have had a career that has touched on aspects of marketing, and it was something I studied as part of a business course at college, but it is only really since I have been living alone that supermarket marketing has become more apparent to me, and the ridiculous names or slogans that appear on products, for instance, Sainsbury’s “Butchers Choice” Sausages. What is that about, does that mean a Butcher chose them, so they must be really good, as opposed to the cheaper “Basics” range which any self respecting butcher would throw in the bin?

What’s even better than food however is personal hygiene products such as shower gel, bath cream, shaving foam, and deodorants (yes I live alone, and I am clean). I have a selection of these products with the following names. Lemon Sorbet, Sensual, Nitro, Vortex, Urban, Calm, Pure Game, Sweet Dreams, Mint and Tea Tree, Africa, and Classic. Wow, that’s pretty amazing stuff, God knows how I fend all the women off with that lot

Looking at the list I think I have covered most eventualities, I have Pure Game for after the Gym, Urban for when I go to a town centre pub, Calm for when I have got of the phone to BT, Sensual for when I visit my girlfriend, and Sweet Dreams for my pre bed bath. I am not sure what to do with Nitro because the dictionary describes it somewhat alarmingly as a combining form used in the names of chemical compounds in which the nitro group is present, maybe it is a repellent. Vortex is also slightly confusing as I am not sure how I would take to being told that I smelt like a spinning and turbulent flow of fluid, I would probably assume that I was being accused of smelling of piss, which would be very hurtful indeed.

However most confusing of all is Africa. Did the marketing team on this one actually know the size of this continent? Is it the musty aroma of the jungle, the dryness of the dessert, the clinical cleanliness of Sun City, or the stench of Soweto Shanty towns. I suppose, it just sounds exotic as it is a distance away, maybe they have a deodorant in Africa called Europe. Personally I think a more British take would work, how about “Bracknell for Men.”


I will finish with the best marketing of a product I have ever witnessed on our TV Screens which was pointed out to me last year. It is for Danone Activia, a pro biotic drink that, and I quote: “Assists you with your daily digestive transits”. Have you ever heard of a better description of a dump than that? I can just imagine the marketing team sat round a table with blank sheets of paper, with their boss standing next to a flip chart with his marker pen.

“Okay you guys, we have job in from Danone…………………………..ten minute brainstorm, I want you to think of a strap line for a drink that helps women have a hearty shit before they go to work, rather than spending all day feeling bloated…………….starting now!”

Whoever came up with “daily digestive transits” is in my eyes, a fucking genius.