Posted on September 6, 2010

The World Of The News can exclusively reveal today that an unnamed professional football player has taken out a super injunction to prevent tabloid newspapers printing revealing details of his private life alleging that he has been faithful to his wife, and has not had an affair with a prostitute, lingerie model, or a lap dancer.

The footballer, who plays football for a football team in the Premier League which consists of 19 other football teams, has been pictured with his WIFE at exclusive restaurants, and NOT in lap dancing bars or private brothels. It is also thought that he has not, at any time, booked private hotel rooms for high class prostitutes, or registered to discreet escort agencies.

The unnamed footballer fears that if his alleged monogamy is leaked in the press his reputation amongst his fellow professionals will be in tatters. An unnamed source who doesn’t actually exist said: ” It is apparent that ******** has never been involved in a spit roast, or videoed himself having sex, before sms texting it to every other footballer in England. This is really shocking stuff that will rock the football world, footballers are role models these days, kids need to know that diving, cheating, urinating in public, shagging whores, and fighting night club bouncers, is the way forward, he has let himself down, and he knows it.”

The list of other allegations include:

  • Driving a Volvo Estate that he has not crashed at 150mph
  • Not having a mock Tudor mansion in Surrey or Cheshire
  • Turning down numerous page three models for text sex
  • Doing The Guardian crossword
  • Not visiting one of Terry Venables’ nightclubs.

Another made up source told us the footballers wife was completely unaware that he was being faithful to her: “She will be devastated when she discovers the real truth. When she met******** she fully expected him to be unfaithful resulting in a tasty divorce settlement, a one million pound deal with OK! magazine, and maybe even a number one single. His monogamy has wrecked the faith she had in him.”

One of the high class prostitutes who approached the footballer in the players lounge revealed how her story would have taken shape. “I approached him in the players bar after he had scored the winner against ********. I cheekily asked him if he would like to score again, but he said no thanks. If he had said yes, he would have been a sensitive lover, but a bit nervous. He would have taken me to a hotel by taxi, and ordered champagne under my name, and he wouldn’t have been able to stop talking about my amazing curves. I would have felt really sorry for his wife, but business is business, and I would have had to stay focused and not let emotions get in the way. I am a very professional whore with my clients, I would have assured him ultimate discretion before ringing Max Clifford off my speed dial two seconds after the hotel door shut.

Next Weeks Exclusive: Unnamed Pakistani Cricketer reveals that he has never helped fix the result of a Test match.

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