Christmas Cards

Posted on December 12, 2010

I sent out a batch of Christmas cards late last week, which to be honest is a major achievement for me as there are five major steps to sending them that makes it a much harder task than it may seem, especially for someone of my unquestionable ineptitude.

Here they are:

  1. Purchasing the cards
  2. Purchasing the stamps
  3. Writing a message in them
  4. Finding the address of the intended recipient
  5. Putting them in a letterbox

Dealing with Christmas cards is right up there with drying a child on a sandy beach as one of my least favourite past times and I am rightly proud that today is only the 12th December and it is a job I have got out of the way, though presents do remain un-purchased. It’s not that I don’t like giving cards, as I do, it is just such a time consuming job littered with obstacles.

For instance, do I try to write something amusing or nice in the card or do I just write from Bob and family and leave it at that? Or is that too impersonal, I think it is to be honest? Do I do what women do and put a couple of X’s under my name, or is that a bit soppy coming from a man? Most of my friends are couples so I have opted for the odd X here and there but I am not sure I have got this correct, but there we go time will tell. I didn’t put an X on my Dad or Brother’s card, they would think I was going insane. They have enough to cope with the fact they actually got a card without the added worry that I was going through a sex change.

The other thing about cards is the timing of delivery. Send them too early and you look like one of these people who are seeing how many you can get in return so they can put up them up on a piece of string to show any visitors how popular they are. Send them too late and the recipient will see you as someone who has seen them as an after thought. That’s why I have gone for the safe option which is the middle of the month, this despite the obvious temptation of sending them out on the 23rd just to imagine everyone saying “Fuck I forgot about Bob…………….quick love, have we got any left over?” I sent them late last year and got loads of shit ones not much bigger than the stamp that turned up around the 28th December, it was really funny.

If you receive a card from me you will be able to tell what number on the list you were by the quality of my handwriting which always deteriorates during the whole tedious writing process. If you don’t, it means I don’t have your address, I don’t see you as a person who gives a toss, or I don’t like you, in which case you probably don’t like me either which means a joint saving on stamps. The only people I do like who won’t get a card are the members of my cricket club and the lads I go to football with where there is an ongoing mutual respect where everyone knows that if just one card is exchanged it will become stupidly contagious resulting in twenty sets of people  having to go through the whole bloody process of buying more cards and sheepishly handing them out at training nights or in football grounds safe in the knowledge that the cards will remain firmly in side door pocket of the recipients car until it is sold.
By the way, if my sister Lorna is reading this send me your address in Wales because I know for a fact I will receive a card from you on the 24th December that will riddle me with guilt. I won’t fall for that one again you cow!

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