A New Planet-Can’t we Send Fred Goodwin and Clarkson There?

Posted on December 8, 2011

How exciting that NASA astronomers have discovered a new planet, the smallest discovered outside our solar system and it might well contain life, at least until we arrive. However, before the Americans get too excited about the prospect of blowing it up, it is worth taking in to account that it is 600 light years away and each light year equates to 9,500,000,000,000km. Even more disappointing is it’s new name, Kepler -22, how dull is that? The romantic, comic and frankly smutty sounding names we used to call planets seems to have gone out of fashion somewhat, which saddens me…….surely Urpenis or Urvagina would have been far more fun and galvanised greater interest. Even if they had eventually been re-pronounced it Erpennis or Ervagginna at least schoolchildren and puerile adults like me would have gained the same amount of joy that was once derived from Uranus until it was re-pronounced as Yurannus before suffering the humiliating fate of being dropped as a planet altogether.

Apparently, these space probes are now finding new planets at a rate of one a week, so I guess it is only a matter of time before we discover some poor place that contains a civilisation for us to destroy purely on the back of a Government/MOD statement that the UK has been informed  by NASA has that evil Burka wearing crustacean could launch a nuclear attack on London in fifteen minutes. It really is a race against time to find something to attack before all the options on earth run out, China and Russia are far too big now, and there are only so many Arab states to keep us going, it’s becoming a real concern for the worlds fear mongers. Not content with poking their noses in other peoples business on planet earth, the Yanks have now announced they want to arrive on another planet within one hundred years. Somewhere out there, there is a Utopian planet rich in food and minerals, where alien life lives in harmony….then the Americans will arrive to create  the equivalent of the ultimate Sci-Fi horror movie as great big fat people roll of space ships throwing missiles and eating all the food.

I suppose the ultimate prize would be to find a planet where we could send all the banking crooks, reality TV presenters, politicians, Radio One Breakfast show hosts and Jeremy Clarkson. First on board for me would be “SIR” Fred Goodwin a man with which I hold in such high disdain I would force him to spend his entire inter galactic journey sat next to Chris Moyles. There was a programme on BBC2 the other day called RBS: Inside the Bank that Ran out of Money you can still watch it if you click on the link. Whilst the right wing press, Jeremy Clarkson and various members of parliament are shouting their mouths off about public sector pensions and spending cuts, Goodwin is waltzing around the worlds top golf courses on a pension of £360k per year that is being paid by the British taxpayer. If that is not bad enough, he is getting paid this as a reward for overseeing a collapse of the banking system that caused us, the tax payer, to bail out RBS to the tune of a cool £26 BILLION pounds! You just could not make that up. I am nearly smashing the keys as I type this……..forget the pensions crisis for a minute, just think how many schools, hospitals, transport links, libraries, swimming pools and social housing projects could you build with that lot?

I mention Jeremy Clarkson, because like so many clowns on BBC television at the moment, he is getting right in to my central nervous system with his pathetic quotes as he tries to drum up Christmas book sales. His “shoot the public sector strikers” quote should have just been ignored, yet a load of wet drips just had to get offended by the big wobbly buffoon, which of course played right in to the hands of publicity he desperately craves. Clarkson is just an attention seeker who has been over hyped by the BBC who are masters in the creation of media whores such as the perpetually unfunny Matt Dawson and Phillip Tuffnel (don’t even get me started on Garth Crooks). John “I’m just an ordinary lad from Liverpool” Bishop is their latest venture, turning up on every show possible…….he will be doing the weather forecast before you know it…….shortly after the sports report with Michael McIntyre. Of course, the great irony with my mate  Clarkson is that he will get a whacking great BBC/public sector pension, not for scraping a car crash victim off the motorway and performing mouth to mouth, but for pointing at the new Astra and saying….“That……..is a girls car” before turning round and pointing at an Aston Martin and saying “This…..is a man’s car.” Comedy gold Jeremy, keep it up old son.

No one has yet to come up with a cunning plan to solve the public sector crisis, but it can’t help knowing that the cuts you are suffering are down a small group of people who are still getting rewarded for raping the tax payer. Clarkson should remember that whilst he is getting paid by the BBC.

Oh no…..I just realised, it’s the BBC Sports Personality of the Year awards next week, quick, quick, get the bucket!

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