Beating my Demons as Autumn Blows In

Posted on September 25, 2012

Autumn came crashing in yesterday resulting in a day about as dire as you could wish for, cold enough for my central heating to return action with an alarming click, clunk and a crunch which will one day result in an invoice that will strip my children of any inheritance I may have left to offer them. Of course, the one good thing about not having a summer in 2012 is that now it is officially over, there is nothing to get too depressed about. It was like this in April, June, July and a good deal of August, just marginally warmer, so there are no balmy summer days to look back on and yearn for. You see, every cloud….

Anyway, despite the weather, being the remarkable guy I am, I have no boundaries when it comes to learning new things everyday and yesterday was no exception, thanks to Sainsbury’s in Hatch Warren, a place that regularly features in my hectic weekly social calendar. However, if you are a Sainsbury’s executive and you are reading this, I am afraid that in a bid to beat my demons, you will be seeing less of me from now on.

This is because, yesterday, I learned that my addiction to wine gums is indeed a serious one. I thought that after abstaining from this highly addictive alleged sweet  for a few months, I had finally beaten my demons but sadly yesterday evening, I caved in and bought a bumper packet and proceeded to devour them in ten minutes, resulting,  rather predictably, in a hideous period of cold turkey featuring a severe eye ache and jellified indigestion that causes farts that sound like a farmyard tractor starting up on a frosty morning. Quite why I do this to myself is a mystery but there is one thing you can be sure of, Sainsbury’s know what they are doing.

Highly addictive: Sainsbury’s Wine Gums 

Some clever marketing strategist has the wine gums placed conveniently on the back aisle that you have to walk along to get from the milk to the bread, a walk I have yet to avoid since the store refurbishment took place last year. Yesterday, when I walked past them (the wine gums) the first time I deliberately looked the other way to avoid temptation, a bit like when you walk in to an Asian store and desperately resist the urge to see if they are one of the last remaining shops that still have jazz mags on the top shelf. Quite why, with the advent of porn on the internet, anyone would want to keep humiliating themselves by continuing to buy these top shelf publications is beyond me… Maybe the thrill is all in the purchase? If you are lady reading this and you are disgusted, may I take this opportunity to to inform you that I have read some extracts from “50 shades of Grey” and I can confirm it makes Mayfair look like the Beano.

Anyway back to the wine gums. As I picked up my loaf of bread, I realised that I also needed some butter, which meant passing the wine gums yet again…I was a beaten man!  Before I knew it they were in the basket and I was marching to the butter aisle convincing myself that I could make them last a period of three to four days and that there was absolutely no need to eat them all at once, as that was just glutenous. I launched my first assault as they lay on the passenger seat of my car and by the time I got home five minutes later I had broken several personal bests, managing to fit about seven in my mouth at once on one occasion.

A further five minutes later they were gone and I was already feeling contrite as my stomach began to gurgle and a mild migraine began to gather pace behind my left eye. What on earth do they put in wine gums to trigger off a chain of events that commences with unbridled pleasure and ends with a combination of headaches stomach cramps and deep remorse? They are supposed to be innocent sweets for goodness sake…I guess when they are taken in moderation they are probably quite harmless, but I just can’t bring myself to back off halfway through a packet.

Maybe they should come with a government health warning like booze and fags? Perhaps the counter staff need to hold them up in the air as you purchase them so an assistant can come along and check your personal details before taking them off you.

“I’m sorry sir, because you are in your 40’s and you don’t appear to have a wife to tell you she knows best, I am afraid I am going to have to put these back.”

It would be for the best!

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