The Ten Stone Testicles

Posted on June 25, 2013

When I heard an advert on the TV yesterday promoting a programme called “The man with ten stone testicles” I wasn’t entirely sure if I had heard correctly, especially when the woman, presumably on her 150th take, said it without bursting into hysterical laughter.

I don’t really watch television unless it is a major sporting event, the radio via my computer  or my iPod have taken preference in recent years, especially as the TV seems to be full of programmes about the lives of brain dead individuals from Essex and attention seekers with gross bodies.

In fairness to Channel 4, they know how to capture and audience and by showing a programme about a man with unfeasibly but not enviably huge testicles, they knew they were on to a winner.

I can’t watch these programmes, I am too squeamish about such things and I have only just recovered some ten years on, from having a tube of liquid inserted to my anus to empty my bowels prior to an operation on my lower back (0kay, arse). Not only did it make me shit myself transparent, it also confirmed my status as a raging heterosexual.

Women however, seem to have a morbid fascination with these programmes and as I sat alone in the kitchen I could hear an eclectic mix of cackling, gasping and sighing from my girlfriend as she emanated hilarity and sympathy in equal measure; it was all very bizarre.

In scenes reminiscent of watching Dr Who as a child, I did poke my head around the corner once, witnessing for a few seconds as bemused looking surgeons undertook the ‘needle in a haystack’ process of locating the poor man’s penis that, it would seem, had not grown at the same alarming rate as his testicles.

I retreated back to the kitchen but continued to receive an ongoing commentary that culminated in the poor bastard wheeling his testicles along in a wheelchair. I did not know what the final outcome was, I was too nauseous to want to know to be honest. However, it did get me thinking two things.

Why do people watch these programmes and more importantly, if you had such an ailment, why on earth would you want to have it televised?




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