Grandiose Paint, Cover Versions and Apocalyptic Weather Forecasts!

Posted on February 3, 2014

I was in my new local haunt, B&Q, for the umpteenth time last Friday and after spending an eternity looking at paint manufacturers with grandiose brand titles such as ‘Le Petite Palais’ and “Timeless Classics” I eventually put my neck on the line went for ‘Sophisticated Sage.’


 I Showed My Class by Going for Sophisticated Sage

It was with dubious irony that I chose ‘Sophisticated Sage’ as it was from the ‘Timeless Classics’ range whilst B&Q played their own ‘Timeless Classics’ on the in store stereo.

The problem with these ‘Timeless Classics’ is that they are not sung by the original bands, rather some biblically poor cover artists that make the songs sound so preposterously bad, it becomes a bizarre form of entertainment.

‘Cars’ by Gary Numan, just about ousted ‘Rock the Casbah’ by the Clash as my favourite worst effort.

Anyway, as I was at the till enjoying a unique effort at ‘Space Odyssey’ by Bowie, I foolishly got into a conversation with another customer, a nice chap, but apparently a set of bails short of a cricket match.

 “Be careful of the blizzards this afternoon mate.”

 Just In case you didn’t know, I was not in B&Q Ben Nevis, I was in B&Q Bournemouth and the temperature was a balmy 11 degrees centigrade.

“I don’t think it will snow here mate, though it said on the radio it would be very wet later.” I replied.

“No mate definitely blizzards, it said so in The Daily Express.”

As I left the shop contemplating the warmest blizzard in history with ‘Brown Sugar’ by some Rolling Stones anti-Christ torturing my beleaguered ears, I wondered whether I had entered into some sort of hallucinogenic state of consciousness.

Then, when I got home, I noticed that my friend Jenny Syrad, had posted a Daily Express weather warning that was forecasting a weather apocalypse with winds up to 150…Yes 150, miles per hour.


Rational Weather Forecasting Courtesy of The Daily Express

This is nothing new from this rag of utter diatribe but it got me wondering what the agenda of The Daily Express is?

The Express, as far as I can see, likes to attract and entertain a brigade of blue rinse UKIP supporters, so I struggle to understand why it would also have an agenda to scare them witless with weather predictions that might just, in extreme circumstances, apply to a crane driver in the Orkney Islands.

Express Group is owned by a rather colourful character, Richard Desmond, the owner or former owner of other quality publications such as The Star and OK plus a plethora of pornographic magazines including Asian Babes, Penthouse and Readers Wives.

He also owns Channel 5 and various porn channels like Television X and Babe Station, so it should be no surprise that the Daily Express provides a pile of wank, however, I still don’t understand why it is almost as obsessed with the weather as it is with the death of the Princess of so many hearts (but not mine) ?

I have tried looking up conspiracy theories to understand the reasoning behind these fantasy forecasts but all I found was a rather damning blog about Daily Express forecasts by met office weather expert Liam Dutton (below).

It’s easy to assume that the reason the Express Group publish such exaggerated nonsense is simply just to sell newspapers but if that was the only reason, surely they could simply just put out headlines about Katie Price’s latest pair of breasts exploding.

There are a fair few million half-wits who would happily pay 50p for that sort of news…I mean, it’s not as if though British people like to talk about the weather is it???


3 Replies to "Grandiose Paint, Cover Versions and Apocalyptic Weather Forecasts! "

  • Nick
    February 3, 2014 (8:55 pm)

    I have a feeling the answer to the Express strategy is rather more straightforward, i.e. ‘bad news sells’. If there was nothing wrong in the world we wouldn’t need to buy a paper (unless our football team just spanked Fulham 3-0!!)

  • Dave
    February 4, 2014 (12:40 pm)

    I love the idea of a “Timeless Classic” for “modern living”, think of all those wonderful icons of the past we could recycle: flared trousers, flock wallpaper, the Ford Popular, Vesta curry – should I stop now?

    Sophisticated Sage looks like Khaki to me – sorry if that upsets the interior designer.

  • Karen Embury
    February 7, 2014 (2:41 pm)

    Shame about your Rugby team too! Wales! Go Wales, may not be so upbeat tomorrow…

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