Daily Express Winter Forecast 2014
Posted on October 31, 2014
Fantasy Scientists with no legitimate qualifications have issued their winter forecast to Daily Express scaremonger, Nathan Rao, confirming that we are all going to die.
Andrew Knobcheese of unrecognised long range weather forecasting group ExactlyWrong, is warning that the winter of 2014-15 is set to be the coldest since records dating back to the Roman Empire, or something dramatic like that.
“By mid November a Siberian plunge will effectively close Britain down, causing shifts of ice that are likely to bring ravenous Polar Bears as far south as Hampshire and Sussex. This will be a genuine threat to pensioners in places like Eastbourne and Milford on Sea.”
Ravenous: Polar Bears are expected to arrive on our shores next week!
Martin Farage of UKIP sponsored meteorological group, Metwank, believes that the KILLER Arctic plunge is due to the weakening of the jet stream that has more than likely been caused by the migration of rabid, disease ridden, Eastern Europeans, who have turned up on our shores in recent years.
“It would appear that the sheer weight of Eastern Europeans deserting their own countries for Britain has caused the land over central and eastern Europe to rise, which in turn, has created a funnel that allows KILLER WINDS to stream down from SIBERIA directly across the white cliffs of Dover…not that they are white any more as they are covered in foreign filth.
“Unfortunately, our computer models show that Eastern Europeans are not only earning in excess of ONE THOUSAND POUNDS A DAY in benefits and tuning into FLAT SCREEN TV’s to watch daytime television, they are are also responsible for the KILLER BLIZZARDS that will batter Britain…and guess who’s paying? YES YOU, THE BRITISH TAX PAYER!!”
With the new ICE AGE expected to start as early as next week, local authorities are already preparing themselves for the BITTER WINDS and KILLER FROSTS.
In Aberdeen, Scotland, a council spokesman said: “From November onwards we are expecting the weather to get colder, it happens every year. With that in mind, yes we have as always, got gritting lorries in our council depots but at this stage, we have no reason to believe….”
Our reporter had heard enough, so he made his excuses and left.
We then rang a Polar bear expert to ask whether these creatures were as much as a threat to pensioners as Eastern Europeans, in particular, man eating Bulgarians.
“A Polar Bear will generally only attack if it is malnourished, frightened or provoked. However, as ice melts in the polar regions there may be marginally more human and polar bear encounters, though to think that a Polar bear will turn up on the shores of Eastbourne is absolutely preposter…”
Our reporter hung up, he had heard enough.
Meanwhile loony left wing BBC funded qualified weather forecasters such as John Hammond were playing down the impending ICE AGE.
“After an exceptionally mild autumn, it looks like there will be a noticeable shift to colder weather next week with the possibility of some wintry stuff on northern hills which will be a bit of a shock to the system. However, the signs are it will be milder again by the end of the week.”
Asked if Eastern Europeans were to blame for wintry flurries Hammond replied: ” I beg your pardon?”
Furious at this left wing denial, our reporter demanded to know whether Hammond had spent LICENSE PAYERS MONEY on a FLAT SCREEN TV.
“Are there any TV’s in Currys that aren’t flat…I haven’t seen one for years?”
Our reporter wouldn’t give up and, frothing at the mouth, he asked Hammond if he was having a homosexual relationship with fellow weatherman and Polish sounding immigrant, Tomasz Shafernaker.
Hammond hung up, confirming our reporter’s fears.
Shafernaker: Dirty foreigner paid for by British BBC license payers
With remembrance day set to be the coldest since last year, pensioners are bracing themselves for more misery including outbreaks of Ebola (Africans) and electrical black-outs (too many foreigners using FLAT SCREEN TV’s) in what promises to be a winter to forget…If they live that long!!!
NEXT WEEK: SUMMER 2015 HEATWAVE WILL BRING KILLER FOREIGN SNAKES TO YOUR DOORSTEP AND GUESS WHO’S PICKING UP THE BILL?