Britain Braces Itself For Worst Daily Express Weather Headlines For 100 Years!

Posted on December 9, 2014

Britain could be in line for it worst winter of Daily Express headlines for over 100 years, experts have warned.

Brian Scandal from the on-line tabloid scaremongering organisation,, believes that all the signs are pointing towards a winter of Express winter headlines like never seen before.

“The signs are not good. We had our first Arctic winter headlines in September and they have persisted through the Autumn and into early winter. There may not be any improvement until March at least.” 

As Britain was battered by temperatures of -2c accompanied by a quarter of an inch of snow on some Scottish mountains at the weekend, The Express ramped up their predictions of a white Christmas that would create misery for thousands, particularly old people, who would, as a result, probably die.

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There is uncertainty as to why The Express create Armageddon weather headlines, with some experts thinking they might do it for a “Bit of a laugh”  whilst others think there is a more serious agenda to distract the masses from the immoral corporate behaviour of press barons such as Paul Dacre, Richard Desmond and the Murdoch’s.

An Express journalist, who agreed to an interview but wished for his name to be withheld, said he was unsure of the agenda saying only that he enjoyed writing lies about the weather and the publicity it got on social networks.

“We could all be sat in the office writing stories about Bulgarian rapists and single mothers when out of nowhere, Dickie (Richard Desmond) would appear and scream…FUCK THE EASTERN EUROPEANS, WE NEED ARCTIC HEADLINES NOW!”This always seemed to be when he was in discussion with his lawyers about his tax affairs.”

“We would then frantically ring and demand, for a large fee, a list of outrageous possibilities for the coming winter and hand pick each worst case scenario. For example, if there was a possibility of a low temperature in the Scottish Highlands, we could write MINUS 15 in huge capitals, accompanied by words such as BLAST, PLUME, ARCTIC or SIBERIA. It works every time, before you know it the masses are regurgitating it all over Facebook and Twitter.

“The Biggest  challenge is to keep the whole charade going. We are now facing up to three consecutive months of churning out the same old nonsense so coming up with new words and headlines is tough. We are expected to produce at least two Armageddon style headlines EVERY WEEK, so we are constantly scouring dictionaries and meteorological records to come up with phrases such as BIBLICAL, TIDAL SURGE, TYPHOON, CATASTROPHIC and our present favourite KILLER.”

Last week we nearly went with “RABID HURRICANE WINDS FROM BULGARIA SET TO FREEZE STATE PENSION FUND” but we found ourselves threatened with allegations of plagiarism by Nigel Farage, so we had to pull it and go with “ARCTIC BLAST ON THE WAY” which I wasn’t happy with as for me, it wasn’t original enough. There is always a danger of apathy towards these forecasts, especially if people have the audacity to read the Met Office website so we need constant reinvention or I’m afraid it back to the humdrum of ” EU PUTS BRITAIN AT RISK OF RABIES!”, the on-line weather forecaster used by the Express, confirmed that it was under pressure to fabricate the weather for the paper almost every day. Exacta-Wrong forecaster, Micky Fish, told us the following:

“To be honest, we know no more about the weather than some old country type who thinks winter forecasts are to be found in the colour of squirrel shit in late September.  However, they pay us, so we keep telling them what they want to hear. You see, the clever thing is, if we say the temperature could get as low as -20c, we are not really lying in the true sense because if you go to the top of Ben Nevis in January, it might well do. It’s the same with the wind, if you write a headline “90 MPH WINDS TO BATTER BRITAIN” you can be safe in the knowledge that the Outer Hebrides is a windy old place in winter and whilst it might not seem it in London, the Outer Hebrides is indeed. in Britain”

“Also, and this is probably the best part, unlike black people, Eastern Europeans and single mothers, the weather can’t sue you for defamation of character, so the boys down at The Express can write what they want with total freedom. It must be a right old laugh!”

Meanwhile, the Met Office confirmed that Britain will at some point this winter, face the lowest temperatures recorded since March 2014, saying that it will definitely be colder than the recent summer.


1 Reply to "Britain Braces Itself For Worst Daily Express Weather Headlines For 100 Years!"

  • Rebecca
    December 9, 2014 (5:21 pm)

    Most disappointed not to see an AA comment in this article! Carry a spade in your car folks …!

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