Rib Injury and Pig Gate Sends my Head in a Spin!

Posted on September 23, 2015

I had a somewhat bizarre accident on Sunday, featuring a classic male attempt at still being twenty years old as I ungracefully dived to stop a ball going for four runs in a cricket match.

Remarkably I did stop the ball reaching the boundary rope but sadly, it was all a bit undignified, resulting in a crash landing that left the rock solid leather sphere wedged firmly in between my rib cage and the ground.

This not only winded me quite badly but it also damaged my ribs and intercostal muscles, leaving me in a situation where even the most simple tasks cause acute pain; breathing for instance.

As a consequence, when I got home, the only things in the house that were akin to pain killers were a solitary aspirin, an ageing bottle of Night Nurse and half a bottle of Rioja; a heady cocktail that I devoured safe in the knowledge that I would soon be tripping like a semi-naked attendee at Woodstock, before collapsing into a deep sleep.

The results were interesting, with a hallucinogenic and fitful night culminating in a bizarre dream featuring the Prime Minister of this country simulating oral sex by placing his testicles in the mouth of a dead pig.

Of course, as it turns out, the radio had merged into my early morning dreams and that this event had actually happened, at least allegedly, with the story arriving courtesy of a David Cameron biography penned by former Tory donor, tax evader and once dear friend of Cameron, Lord Ashcroft.

Who needs enemies.

You really can’t make this stuff up and it immediately sent my scrambled brain back-tracking to Charlie Brooker’s excellent futuristic drama series, Black Mirror, where the PM was forced to have intercourse with a pig live on TV and social media as a part of an agreement to release the Princess of Wales, who had been kidnapped.

If you have not watched this, you really should, as it is not as farcical as it might sound and is a classic example of how social media can spread across the world in seconds, way before anyone has a chance to get it under control. It is available on C4 or Netflix.

Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror has seen a surge in popularity

Of course, never in history has there been so many social media jokes about pigs in such a short space of time, some a bit predictable, others that my injured my rib cage was in no position to cope with.

Where does it leave new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn?

“Put your testicles in that pigs mouth Corbyn you unpatriotic bastard…and do your top button up while you’re at it.”

In reality, judging by these weird all-boys clubs you hear about at Eton and Oxford, Cameron’s antics should be of no surprise and not used as a reflection on his ability to run the country. The fact that he can’t run the country is probably just a coincidence and no reflection on the pig.

The problem with people like Cameron and members of these Bullingdon type boys clubs is that they are totally detached from what 99 per cent of the population are doing and probably see public schoolboy initiation games as the part British society norm.

Putting our testicles in the mouth of pig, screaming “Fucking plebs” at fellow diners, burning a fifty pound note in front of a beggar, we’ve all done it.

You can’t blame them really, as they are generally blue bloods, bred to rule and therefore born with an unwitting assumption that they are there to control the masses and that the masses are stupid and subservient enough to toe the line, just as long as they given are the opportunity of a new Smart TV or a conservatory once every couple of years.

In general they are right as well and having billionaire friends and relatives in the media aids them with any aggressive form of persuasion, allowing people to believe they should be ruled by their perceived superiors rather than one of their own, who surely isn’t capable, especially if the traitor attends a pre-planned meeting about a housing crisis rather than an England rugger match.

Lying in some sort of self-invented rib cage recovery position on my sofa yesterday morning,  I decided to watch some day-time TV in between adverts encouraging people to fall into a bucket of hot tar, borrow some money at 30000 APR to open a hairdressing salon, or burgle a house and head straight to Cash Converters.

It was whilst watching this fascinating load of old crap, that I realised how the ruling classes find controlling the masses so bloody easy when on the face of it, they appear so utterly dim beyond words, totally brainwashed by self-serving  media groups who have taught them how to be devoid of any independent thought or common sense.

“John and Barbara paid Elvis Pike & Son £30,000 up front to build the brick barbecue they had dreamed of….however (sad face and drop in tone) Elvis disappeared with the money, never to be seen again…Barbara told us how easy it was to fool for Elvis’s charm”

“Elvis seemed so generous, he showed us what a grill plate looked like and even went through the Homebase catalogue with us to choose the cooking utensils…it was only when we realised our dog was missing and his business card had no number on it, we started becoming suspicious.”

Flick the channel over and there is some nicotine stained, toothless bloke, who has allegedly made his daughters best friend pregnant whilst having an affair with his auntie and his second cousin who it turns out, is allegedly his other daughter and she wants him to take a lie detector to prove it. The interbreeding among these people seems so common, it even puts the Royal family to shame.

God knows where they get the audience from, perhaps they randomly fire tranquilliser darts into the local Wetherspoons, dragging them into the studio just as they regain consciousness? I have no doubt that these ‘poverty porn’ shows are designed to make those one step up the rung, just about surviving on the minimum wage, fizz with anger and sign up to some sort of Conservative ideology to starve them to death death.

Or maybe leaking the story about the pigs head and the PM is a tactic to get the thousands of all important votes of the feckless?

“I likes Cameron I does, he has sex with animals just like me and my Staffie innit.”

Alternatively, some journalists have even alleged that the testicles in pigs mouth incident was leaked to bury recent bad news stories such as the governments recent U-turn on free school lunches that could decrease the popularity of George Osborne, another buffoon, who is hoping to be handed the leadership after the next election.

However, leaking a story of a debauched oral sex game involving the head of a pig, to bury bad news, would appear to be an extraordinary gamble, even for the most audacious of spin doctors.

Personally, I would like to see a Clinton like denial followed by a Clinton like admission.

“I did not have sexual relations with that pig”

One week later.

“I misinformed the British people, I did in fact have an improper sexual relationship with a pigs head.”

Newly re-appointed News International scary woman, Rebekka Brooks (why isn’t she in jail?) would then go about convincing the masses that sex with a pig, hacking the phone of a dead child and selling the Royal Mail to your best man, were nothing compared to the unpatriotic crime of wearing an ill-matching jacket and trousers at a memorial service and not attending a rugby game with the increasingly tedious Boris Johnson, yet another Bullingdon boy who is on a collision course with Dave.

At the point of seeing anything published with the blessing of the perennially detestable Rebekka Brooks,  I would have no option but to go back to bed with some more wine, some more Night Nurse and a bag of magic mushrooms for good measure, proceeding to sink into hallucinogenic dreams to get me away from it all.

However, my weirdest dreams could never be as surreal as the painful Monday I spent in what is alleged to be the real world.

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