By The Sun’s Special Correspondent, Frank Hackfone

A man who does not support Leicester and doesn’t have a bookmakers account was commiserating last night after he revealed he didn’t put a bet on Leicester City to win the Premier League title.

Dave Nuthouse from Walsall, is not a lifelong Leicester fan but clearly remembers not forgetting to put a bet on Leicester to win the title when the odds of 5000-1 were released last summer.

“I have no recollection of not putting a bet on Leicester last summer as I don’t really follow football or have a bookies account, but if I had, I would now be five thousand pounds better off,” lamented Dave, an unemployed handyman who has history of mental illness related to tenuous links to events that make headline news.

Dave went on, “Obviously I am gutted to miss out on the five thousand pounds by not even considering putting a bet on Leicester to win the title but in the grand scheme of things I am lucky really and I will get over not backing them.”

When questioned about why he felt so lucky, Dave revealed that had cheated death on several occasions by not doing things.

“Five thousand pounds seems a lot of money not to lose but when I consider that I have survived the 911, 7/7 and Paris terror attacks by not being anywhere near where the bombings took place, it puts everything into perspective,” said Dave, wistfully.

When The Sun quizzed Dave about which event he is going to claim a tenuous link to next, he was very guarded. 

“I can’t tell you that until after the event has happened but you can be assured I will be making up another shit story for the Sun to publish soon.”

Our reporter made his excuses and returned to his pond.

Dave’s story is another reminder, in 2016, what an utter wankstain of a newspaper we are.

Not content with working with the establishment to frame innocent football fans or hack the phones of dead people, The Sun are determined to embark on further intrusion into the private lives of the innocent and fabricate stories that demonise the vulnerable.

Quite why anyone reads or subscribes to this utter shit is beyond us but they do, so we will continue unabated and without apology, to fabricate stories out of nothing with the blessing of our irrepressible owner, Rupert Murdoch, and his beautiful and charismatic wife, Jerry Hall.

Utter shite…Only in your soaraway Sun!