Dire Health Warning Issued Over Ageing Toilet Roll

Posted on March 20, 2020

New studies are indicating that storing toilet paper for periods longer than 14 days, can cause severe trauma to the anal passage.

The Sandpaper Effect

Because of the paper softening method required to make the use of lavatory paper comfortable, disintegration and hardening of the product causes what experts call ‘the sandpaper effect’.

Professor Anne Drex of ‘The Ringpiece Institute’, warns that continued storing of toilet paper can have long-term effects on the wellbeing of the anal passage.

“The problem occurs after 14 days”, Says Anne, who has led the research and data into traumatised anuses for the last decade.

Imagine if you will, cleaning your dirtbox region with high grade sandpaper that has been rubbed with Scotch Bonnet chillies. I have to level with you, that is the eye watering result of using outdated loo roll”.

Constipation Complications

Anne goes on to describe further complications relating to the burning and lacerations to the anal passage.

“A common scenario is acute constipation. With the arsehole in tatters, the victim becomes terrified at the thought of defecation. The ringpiece then sends electric pulses to the brain, warning it of the dire consequences of emptying one’s load”.  

“Everything becomes something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. The prospect of passing the equivalent of a concrete bollard through an already traumatised anus, is a terrifying one. Some women have said it makes childbirth look like a picnic”.

However, it is not all bad news. Anne says that by following simple guidelines, such terrifying scenarios can be avoided.

“To put it simply, don’t be a fucking idiot and only buy toilet paper when you need it” Says Anne.

*Anne’s new self-help book, ‘How to Keep a Healthy Dirt Box’ is available in all good bookshops and to download on most portable devices.

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