Tories Announce Controversial Plan to Bring Back Outside Toilets for Non-Privately Educated

Posted on May 26, 2024

In a move that has left many Britons scratching their heads and reaching for their winter coats, the Conservative Party has announced a new policy aimed at reintroducing outdoor toilets for those who didn’t attend private schools.

Traditional Values

The policy, heralded as a return to “traditional British values,” aims to instill a sense of character and self-reliance by requiring non-privately educated citizens to use outdoor lavatories. Tory spokesperson Sir Reginald Flushing-Smythe, who famously installed a gold-plated bidet in his second home, claims this initiative will help Britons “reconnect with nature” and appreciate the “simple pleasures of life.”

“Why should the joys of communal bathrooms be reserved for those idyllic school camps and rustic countryside retreats?” said Flushing-Smythe at a press conference yesterday. “This is about equality and bringing back the charming experiences our ancestors cherished.”

Basic Amenities Starter Pack

The new policy mandates the installation of outdoor toilets in all homes where the residents did not attend private schools. The government assures that each outhouse will come with a “basic amenities starter pack,” including a torch (batteries not included), eco-friendly wet wipes, and an instructional book titled “How to Build a Toilet Paper Fire in 10 Easy Steps.”

To foster community spirit, the government has also announced an annual “Best Kept Outhouse” competition, encouraging neighborhoods to band together and take pride in their outdoor facilities. Prizes are rumored to include a year’s supply of scented candles and a commemorative plaque.

A Backward Step?

However, critics argue that the policy is a step backwards and out of touch with modern needs. “The UK already faces enough challenges without adding the risk of frostbite during winter toilet trips,” remarked a spokesperson from the opposition. “This policy is not just regressive; it’s ludicrous.”

Despite the backlash, the government remains steadfast. “This is about economic efficiency,” insisted Flushing-Smythe. “By reducing the reliance on indoor plumbing, we can redirect funds to more important areas, such as tax breaks for the wealthiest citizens or perhaps even a new yacht for CEO’s of government donors such as Serco Outdoor Lavatories PLC.

Umbrellas and Boots

The announcement has prompted a flurry of activity as Britons prepare for the changes. Sales of wellington boots and umbrellas have skyrocketed, and DIY stores report a run on outdoor shed supplies.

As the nation braces for the outhouse revolution, one thing is certain: every trip to the toilet is about to become an adventure. The Tory government is confident that Britons will rise to the challenge, embracing this return to simpler times with traditional British stoicism.

Next week: The workhouse-Time to bring it back?

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