England Survive, Somehow

So, England move smoothly into the next round.

No problem. Easy win. On we travel.

You know I’m lying, don’t you?

That was about as smooth as a flight through a thunderstorm, with the drinks trolley loose and the pilot asking if anyone on board has ever played Football Manager.

England are through, but they are not firing. In fact, if Harry Kane had been injured, they would probably be home already, standing at baggage reclaim looking sheepish while Gary Neville combusted on live television.

The Ghost of Cameroon 1990

This game had a very familiar feel to it. It reminded me of that near train wreck against Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup quarter-final. Back then, Gary Lineker got England out of the mire. This time, it was Kane. Different decade, same national habit of turning knockout football into a minor cardiac event.

That year, England saved their best performance for the traditional heroic defeat against West Germany in the semi-final. Six years later, they managed it again against a united Germany at Euro 96. If awards were handed out for stuttering through tournaments before finally playing well in a glorious exit, England would be multiple world champions.

An Awful Goal, Then a Bit of Chaos

To be fair, England did respond after conceding an awful goal involving a missing defender and a goalkeeper forgetting the golden rule of covering your near post. It was not so much defending as performance art.

After that, England did create chances. Konsa nearly scored, albeit unwittingly, off his knee. Bellingham headed well from a nice Rice cross, only to be denied. Rashford then saw an effort cleared off the line after doing almost everything right.

Then came the moment DR Congo should have made it 2-0. Wissa, a Premier League striker, somehow hit the post when scoring looked easier. It was the sort of miss that makes you wonder whether England’s tournament luck is going to take them to places they don’t deserve to be.

Penalty or Pantomime?

Kane was then denied a penalty after the keeper took him out. It looked like a penalty, but Kane may have made too much of it. Sometimes just going down naturally is enough. Add the extra flourish and referees start thinking you came from the Sylvia Young School of Performing Arts.

By the end of the first half, Bellingham had forced a fine save with a glancing header, and Kane had a shot kept out as well. England were not good, but they were at least doing that thing where they make you believe something might happen before immediately reminding you why you should never trust them.

Still No Breakthrough

Just after half-time, Rashford did the hard work but lashed his shot into the side netting. Then Bellingham’s deflected cross was clawed away by the keeper, who, in the ensuing chaos, nearly had his head removed by one of his own team-mates. Still England could not score.

Then, just as the whole thing started drifting towards full national embarrassment, a proper football move finally arrived. Substitute Anthony Gordon found space, delivered a lovely cross, and Kane did what Kane does. Header. Goal. Relief. Ignominy avoided.

Or so we hoped.

Kane to the Rescue

Ten minutes later, with extra time looming, Bellingham’s shot was parried, Gordon tidied up the mess, found Kane, and England’s superhero lashed the ball into the net from a difficult angle. It was a wonderful strike. A captain’s goal. A “stop panicking, I’ll sort this out myself” moment.

Like Lineker in the games of my youth, Kane is rescuing England from embarrassment. He deserves every plaudit coming his way. He also deserves to be right in the Golden Boot conversation. He is a wonderful striker, so he is.

Tuchel Owes Him a Pint

Thomas Tuchel can thank him for saving his job. If England had lost last night, he would have been gone. The headlines would have been savage, the FA would have been in disarray, and talk radio would have needed extra phone lines just to cope with men called Dave from Dagenham demanding national service for England players.

Instead, England move on.

Next Stop: The Azteca

Unless they get walloped at the Azteca, Tuchel’s job is safe for now. But what comes next is close to mission impossible.

Mexico, in the Azteca Stadium, is a brutal assignment. The ground sits roughly 7,200 feet above sea level, where the altitude affects energy levels, recovery and even the movement of the ball. For English players used to sea-level football and drizzle, this is more than a tough Cup third round tie at at Stoke.

Mexico will have home advantage in almost every sense: crowd, climate, conditions, familiarity and belief. It will be one of England’s greatest modern World Cup achievements if they go into Mexico’s back yard and come out with a win.

England’s Best Hope

The one crumb of comfort is that England will not be favourites. Mexico will be heavily fancied, and that might help. If the pressure starts to weigh on them, England do have the players to hurt them. It can be done.

But if Mexico rise to the occasion, England are in serious trouble.

For now, though, England are still alive. Not convincing, not fluent, not exactly swaggering into the next round, but alive.

And with Harry Kane in this form, that still counts for something.