Another Week Full of Tales of the (Un)expected

Posted on October 7, 2011

Before I start today’s blog, here is a quick mention for Mrs Ward from Tadley, Hampshire. Mrs Ward (age witheld out of politeness) made a mild complaint to her daughter Alison in Australia that the new black background and white lettering on this blog had caused her to abandon her readership. As someone who prides himself on customer service, you will see Mrs Ward, that I have reverted to the original template. I sincerely hope that you can now read it again fully as I am trying to expand my base of fanatical and dare I say it, adoring fans, not reduce it. Once I have reached a thousand views a week, I am going to the follow the lead of The Beatles and publish a Blog titled “Bob Lethaby’s Blog is Bigger Than Jesus” just for the thrill of seeing people in Mid West America burning effigy’s of my bald head on a stake. There is, as they say, no such thing as bad publicity, fame is within touching distance.

So, with that dealt with let’s take a look at the week’s news. The standout moments have been the deaths of Steve Jobs (Apple) Graham Dilley (Cricketer) and the speeches at the Tory party conference that failed to eclipse the ordinary recent efforts from the Lib Dems (or whatever they are this week) and Labour. The arrest of Wayne Rooney’s father for alleged bet rigging in football was another stand out point and proof that a dodger scouser is like a Tory that is never going to wear a red tie. The bet allegedly involved a  Motherwell football player, Steven Jenkins (you guessed it, a scouser) deliberately getting sent off in a game, an event that had odds of 10-1 with bookmakers. The investigation revolves around an account that was opened in, you guessed it again, Liverpool, and a £500 bet placed on the subsequent sending off. If this true, it beggars belief that the Father of a multi- millionaire footballer would entertain such a preposterous scam, he can’t need the money, surely not? The next thing you know John Terry’s Mother will get caught shoplif…………..oh!

There were several extraordinary moments at the Tory conference this week as well, not least the embarrassment heaped on George Osborne after his quote about the economy in 2009 came back to haunt him. In 2009 he said, and I quote “Quantitative easing is the last resort of desperate governments when all other policies have failed.” Yesterday the Bank of England issued a further £75 Billion of quantitative easing, so what does that make his fiscal policy look like?…..I’m no economist, but it looks pretty shit from where I’m standing. However I am biased, I can’t stand the smarmy little toad. I wish he had said something more entertaining in 2009, something that he dismissed a preposterous before being forced to carry out the same action. Wouldn’t it have been great if he had said in 2009…..”Having unprotected anal sex with raging bull on the edge of Beachy Head is the desperate measure of a chancellor when all other policies have failed.” I’d be down the M27 like a shot to witness that.

I know, I know, that is a ridiculous statement, but not as ridiculous as what I am going to tell you, and this is true. It revolves around Rachel Johnson the sister of Boris, the tiresome clown otherwise know as the Mayor of London. Rachel, and this is genuinely quite brave for a Tory girl, did a piece on the political programme “This Week” yesterday about how women are just not attaching themselves to the Tory Boy, Bullingdon Club types in David Cameron’s government. Apparently the lady Conservatives (with a small c) do not take to the laddish and condescending nature of Dave and the boys and it is costing them (the Tory party) dearly. Coming from the sister of Bullingdon Boris, I thought this was quite startling stuff, she is clearly not a woman afraid to lose friend or two. However, not as startling as the following sentence she uttered with a completely straight face…………”Everyone knows that David’s wife Samantha is undeniably beautiful…………..”

Pardon? Am I missing a trick here, because I am 100% cast iron certain that the last time I looked Samantha Cameron was not undeniably beautiful. I don’t want to be harsh, but many critical observers would argue that she is undeniably….. fucking ugly. I will be less hostile and say undeniably average. I read a book recently that was telling the story of a man of fifty two who had a miracolous operation that allowed him to see for the first time. When the bandages were removed the surgeons face was just a blur despite the man’s now perfect eyesight. Because he had never seen a face before, he didn’t know what a face was, let alone what a beautiful or ugly face was. Our view of a face is built up from birth, yes, it starts as a blur before we begin to visualise the features as our brain begins programming the information.It’s really hard to imagine this man’s situation don’t you think? But I suppose it is logical all the same.

Samantha Cameron….Undeniably Beautiful?

What this means is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, however because our DNA is so close most of us agree on the profile of someone beautiful, Anne Widdicombe is a good example. Sorry, bad joke, let’s say Liz Hurley. So why do members of high society see things differently? Have centuries of interbreeding amongst aristocrats given them a DNA that has made them visualise the face of a horse as thing of beauty rather than one only the most loyal and deluded Mother would love. Kate Middleton (despite my indifference to her) is a beautiful woman, I think you will all agree on that, a bit skinny for my taste, but facially beautiful none the less. Do the half horse half human objects that make up the members of the Royal family think she is a bit of dog because of her symmetrical features? Perhaps so, but from where I come from Samantha Cameron would have been a ten pinter at Majestics nightclub in Reading, closely followed by weeks of merciless and savage piss taking from friends revelling in the relief that you got to her before they did.

 I will finish this blog by saying RIP to not to the albeit sad death of Steve Jobs of Apple, but to Graham Dilley the cricketer. To sports fans, Ian Botham was (quite rightly) the hero of Headingley 1981, to cricket fans, so was Graham Dilley, a quick bowler who also knew (unlike many of his contemporaries) how to bat a bit. Dilley came in to the game with England still needing ninety odd to avoid the follow on. Legend has it that Dilley arrived at the crease and was told by Botham to “give it some humpty“. Indeed he did, out batting Botham to score a swashbuckling 56, without which there would not have have been “Botham’s Ashes”. In fact Ian Botham may well have been finished altogether, such was his unpopularity in public school boy corridors of power.

Thirty years ago and it seems like yesterday, thanks for the memories Graham Dilley, you were a top chap.

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