Working Out What Day it is as the Man Flu Subsides

Posted on December 28, 2011

We are now in the period of Christmas where we are constantly checking what day of the week it is, I have had Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday thoughts already today, it is a bizarre period Christmas. My man flu has moved south from my nose in to my throat, resulting in a pathetic cough where just as I doze off my tonsils are lightly tickled with a feather, a complete nuisance, though more bearable than walking around with a tissue rammed up each nostril in a vain attempt to a constant flow of watery snot. Somewhat heroically, I didn’t let this cold spoil my festivities totally, but I would be liar if I said it didn’t dampen my spirits at all, I felt totally washed up during the football at the Madjeski Stadium on Monday. Now I am just tired out.

Now Christmas has gone we are in to the sales period which rather than starting on New Years day now seems to happen on Boxing Day…..when did that start happening? It hardly seems fair on the poor bastards who work at the retailers, after the last minute desperate male dominated rush of Christmas Eve; they have barely digested their turkey before getting their doors knocked down by delirious women with apparent mental health issues. It is alleged that the sales are a major boost for retailers, but anyone who has worked in a business or in an accounts department knows only too well that turnover is worth bugger all if there is no profit. If 60% off all retail prices is genuine, there can’t be much meat left on the bone for profit and it is estimated that this year’s sales may be the final nail in the coffin for some stores when the profit and loss accounts are sorted out in the coming weeks.

Homebase, Wicks, Magnet and DFS are offering such huge reductions that one has to feel sorry for the poor bastards who buy goods from them in the small micro periods in between the Winter, Boxing Day, New Year, Spring, Summer and Autumn sales. If you go in to DFS on September the first be careful as you may find yourself in between the summer and autumn sale thus purchasing a cream leather sofa for £1199.00 rather than an amazing £499.00. Wickes are now offering a further 15% off the initial 50% discount on their kitchens meaning that I would be fucking livid if I had bought one in December, though personally I wouldn’t buy anything off Wickes purely on the basis that their TV and radio adverts go through me like nails down a blackboard……“It’s got our name on it……..Wickes!” It’s the way the bloke pronounces Wickes that does it for me, I originally thought it was Arthur Smith but research suggests it is Timothy Spall….whoever it is; I would like nothing more than to punch them squarely in the face.

So today, on this Christmas Wednesday, I am not eating much, I am not drinking alcohol (yet) and I am not going to walk around the grim streets of Basingstoke in search of a half price pair of jeans I will never wear. I am actually just yearning for a bit of normality, Christmas is just too long to deal with all the consumption as you get older. In my twenties Christmas was a week long haze of daily alcohol abuse that resulted in one bloody great hangover around January the second which lasted until about midday and all was soon forgotten about. Now, if I get pissed two days on the trot I get a stomach ache and leave myself vulnerable to colds and bugs, my resilience to self abuse (alcohol not masturbating) is fading fast. This has resulted in me not having much to do today except catch up on anything that may have been worth watching on TV over Christmas, which is actually not that much. However, I like Outnumbered and though he can get somewhat over hyped by the BBC I really enjoyed the Michael McIntyre Roadshow, it has to be said that this guy is the current master of observational humour.

This is more than can be said of Mrs Brown’s Boys an alleged sitcom I had the misfortune of witnessing the last fifteen minutes of with my children. We actually saw it through as we were all compelled by the canned audience laughter, dreadful acting and unfunny jokes. Who on earth laughs at this utter load of shite? If I was Irish I would be totally humiliated that one of my countrymen had come up with such piss poor television viewing, this programme sits at the opposite end of the spectrum to Father Ted. It makes 2.4 Children look like Fawlty Towers, yes it really is that bad. Just in case I hadn’t made my point fully I would like to say that Mrs Brown’s Boys is, in my opinion of course, absolutely Fekkin awful. Sometimes I really hate the BBC for the shit they dish up, then I turn on ITV and realise that it is often a case of “better the devil you know” especially as I spend much of the day listening to BBC Radio 5 & 6. An evening watching ITV is required every now and then, just so you can forgive BBC for things like Mrs Browns Boys the One Show and a truly dreadful programme they aired about a month ago called Will it Snow? 

Will it Snow was an incredibly bad attempt at dramatising the “Snowmageddon” of 2010, asking questions to the experts about whether it would happen again this year? The obvious downside of this programme was that the experts didn’t have any more of a clue than you, I or next bloke to the big question in the title. I could have popped down to any village pub and done this show with the locals….“So, tell me Richard, will it snow this winter?”…..”I’m fucked if I know Bob!”…….”Okay, thanks Richard, back to some overpaid Oxbridge student in the studio who will point out that Ben Nevis has already had a snow flurry this year the first one since last Winter!!!!” They may have well called this show “Will it Snow…Fuck Knows?” as every met office employer had no idea whatsoever whether it would or not, it was a whole hour of people not being able to even contemplate the answer to the title of the programme, in my book, that made it a complete an utter waste of fucking time, but hey, who is the mug here, the viewing figures will state that millions of idiots like me sat through it. Just like the viewing figures will show that my TV was tuned in to Mrs Browns Boys for fifteen minutes. I’m spoon feeding this lot of clowns with additional viewing figures!!

Perhaps somewhere within the BBC an executive has come up with the cunning plan that people will watch utter shit, because like a serious car crash, you just have to take a look!!!

Happy New Year….I wonder if it will snow?

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