A Cold For Christmas as Alan Hansen Becomes the Latest Racist

Posted on December 24, 2011

Just in the nick time for Christmas, I am the victim of heavy cold that was enhanced by too much alcohol at a party last night in Broughton. Alcohol and an on rushingcommon cold are not the best of combinations, the party was good fun, the coldis not, and I ran out of tissues on my drive home this morning, resulting in a facelike a glazed doughnut by the time I got back here. As per usual anyone I mention the cold to comes up with the obligatory line “Thereis one going around” asif it were a Jehovah’s Witness looking for its next victim. One day I want tobe the first person amongst my friends to get a cold just so I can hear themsay “Really…..that’sunlucky, it’s not as though there is one going around…howstrange.” To be the first person in the area to get a cold must quite enlightening. 
That won’t happenthough, because some things are ingrained in to our DNA and we have to saythem. If I went to that deserted Island in Scotland where they tested chemicalweapons and came back with Anthrax, people would still say“Ooh poor you… mindyou I have heard there is a lot of it around.”  I guess it stemsfrom the days of the Bubonic Plague, as there was plenty of that going around if the 14th century, enough to wipe outhalf the population of Europe apparently, all courtesy of a black Chinese ratwith fleas. I dare not say coloured rat, look at all the trouble Alan Hansenhas got in to this week, it seems that although he has been hiding it well for so many years, itis now all to obvious that he is, in fact, a closet member of the Klu Klux Klan.
When you analysethese type of pre programmed comments, it is quite amazing the sort of inane drivel that comes outof our mouth just to break the tension of silence, humans are incrediblytalkative, me more than most I guess, but much of it is just nonsense. The obvious lines that a lot of comicsrefer to are the incidents in Taxi Cabs that feature the same sentences we express on everyjourney that include “been busy mate?” or “when you on (un)til?” Noone I know cares whether a taxi driver has been busy or whether he is workinguntil 6.00am, but what they do know is that these questions, as soon as they are asked, will spur thedriver in to giving you a painful journey containing outrageous bullshit, something youdeserve to endure for starting the whole bloody conversation in the first place. 
My latestexperience of the preposterous tales of the taxi driver came just the otherweek when I was out for a Christmas curry with my friends Neale and Craig Killick (both will testify this). According tothis clown, being charged with drink driving could be expertly avoided by sucking amint (it has to be a strong one mind!) and hiding it behind your front teethwith your tongue as you blow in to the machine, thus blowing the essence of Extra Strong mints in to the bag rather than fumes from your alcohol intake.This recipe for a three year ban was even better than the one I once heard(again from a Taxi driver) about sucking on a two pence piece to kill thealcohol on your breath. Even if it did work, I would sooner stay in for thenight than suck on a coin that may have recently fallen out of the pissedstained trousers of tramp. When it comes to Mythomania at taxi ranks, there certainly is “alot of it going around.”
Touching back on the Alan Hansen issue, there seems to be a lot of racism “goingaround” at the moment as well, it has almost becoming the latestfashion with Luis Suarez of Liverpool FC beating John Terry (the Englandcaptain no less) to a hefty fine and an eight match ban for an alleged commentto Manchester United’s Patrice Evra that may have been racist in nature. Hansenhas got himself in trouble because during a glowing tribute towards blackplayers on Match of the Day, he referred to them as being coloured. Apparently that is an awfulthing to say, though I didn’t know that, I just thought it was a bit of anoutdated term rather than a racist one. Anyone would have thought that Hansenhad said “there in naedoot in my mind that sambo’s have improved the English geem….. except when it gets a wee bit cauld in December!” What shocked me far more wasrevelation that Hansen earns 40k a show from the BBC for saying that theWolverhampton Wanderers defence is woeful, something we all know without needing Alan Hansen to remind us (sorryTrev).
Anyway, Iinitially began this blog by meaning to say Merry Christmas to all my readers. You will not believe this, but Sitemeter informs me that I now have a readershipthat averages fifty five page views a day, it appears that my popularity is growing at somerate thanks to Facebook,Twitter and odd people whoGoogle words such as “Austin Maxi” or “Extreme cat rape inNorfolk.” My ego is relatively easily massaged, so I would like to use Christmas as an opportunity to thankall of you who have made positive comments about this blog, I am really pleased that so manyof you enjoy it and gain the odd chuckle from my writing which, I think, is improving all the time. The oddest comment I have hadrecently was from someone I know well, a good friend, who said that they havealways read my blog and enjoyed it, but didn’t want me to know they liked it? Each tothere own I suppose, but I found that an odd one, it’s not as if though I amgetting rich through it, I only wish I was.
So moving on quickly now, whateveryou do, whether it is just staying at home or visiting some beige/off white coloured friendsand family, I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas and continue to read myblogs in the months and years to come, even if you don’t want to admit to it!
HappyChristmas…peace on earth and all that stuff.


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