The Sad Passing of a Golfing Legend in a Bad Year For Dictators

Posted on December 20, 2011

People often say to that it must be difficult to keep discovering things to write about on a Blog, but it isn’t difficult at all, there is always something new happening, be it the discovery a new planet, Jeremy Clarkson acting the tit once again or Colonel Gadaffi allegedly receiving brutal anal sex from soldiers before his final fall from grace. With the recent death of North Korean leader and world number one golfer Kim Jong-Il it certainly has been a year to forget for the world’s greatest despots, old Bob Mugabe must be constantly looking over his shoulder and checking his heart rate, he is one of the few survivors left as even Vladimir Putin faces internal uprising in Russia after the remarkable achievement of receiving more votes than there are voters in the recent elections. If these countries keep falling in to the hands of the uprising masses at their current rate, at some point in the near future the good old U S of A will be the only totalitarian country left in the world, the American flag proudly flying above the brainwashed trailer trash estates and the wreckage of Mississipi.

Britain is hardly a great bastion of freedom either, as we speak the major banks are wrestling to control governments by implanting a Prime Minister and Chancellor who’s own wealth comes directly from their banking industry fathers and a whole back bench of Old Etonians and former stockbrokers. We are moving in to potential stormy political waters as the nation begins to slowly stir from its slumber and realise it is been turned over by a minority elite. Between 2002 and 2008 the “City” financial institutions raised £175 Billion in Taxes, quite impressive until you take in to account the cost to the tax payer during the bail out that some of the more depressing analysts calculate at £1.3 Trillion. During the same period the manufacturing industry raised £350 billion pounds with the added bonus of not being bailed out by middle England, it is an urban myth that the service sector props up Britain. I am pretty ignorant when it comes to City finance, most of us are, that’s how they get away with it, but like many others, the Internet is teaching me new things every day. To my own my mind, it should be pretty obvious to even the most stupid of observer that the existing and indeed recent “Labour” governments are funded and held to ransom by the banks. Middle income tax payers are getting a really shit deal out of all this. Why? Because apathy has stopped everyone bothering to make a fuss.

Anyway, back to the funny stuff and Kim Jong Il. Of all his bizarre habits and hobbies the one that stood out for me the most was his debut performance on the newly built golf course at Pyongang in 1994 where he carded a quite brilliant 38 under par round that included no fewer than 11 hole in ones. This stunning achievement even out scored my brother, Graham “that was a six” Lethaby, who remarkably carded a 96 in La Cala, Spain, in 2005, despite completing at least 12 holes in doubles figures (perhaps he was also a counter at the Russian polling station!). If you are not familiar with golf, on most courses the par (amount of hits to get in to 18 holes) is generally 72 shots. I played two to three times a week for eight years and managed to get to a point where I averaged 81shots with a personal best of 77……golf is terribly difficult and very frustrating. The lowest ever score in an official tournament is 57, whilst the lowest score in “Major” which includes The Masters, The Open Championship, the USPGA and the US Open remains at 63. For Kim to shoot a 34 in his first game was quite a brilliant feat that remains one of North Korea’s most famous sporting achievements alongside winning the FIFA 2010 World Cup in South Africa. If it wasn’t for the seventeen body guards who witnessed this incredible round of golf, you could be forgiven for questioning its authenticity.

Kim Jong-Il shortly before tee-ing off at Pyongang Golf Club

If you are having a discussion in the pub about the bizarre nature of this maniac and you are about to say “That old Kim Jong-Il….blimey, he was so up himself he must have thought his shit didn’t stink” think again. As you see ladies and gentlemen, Kim didn’t ever take shit or in fact a piss and very much like my girlfriend he never farted either. However, in fairness towards Diane, a far as I am aware, she doesn’t spend £500k a year on Cognac, breed giant rabbits, or kidnap film producers to make a communist version of Godzilla, though I can confirm she is a tyrannical dictator like no other if I leave a towel on the bathroom floor or fail to make the bed. At the time of writing she has still never played golf, so it is unknown whether she could beat Kim Jong Il in a head to head clash at Pyongang and rather sadly his death now means that this will never happen, it would have been an epic contest and indeed, one that featured no farts. The demise of this great man also ends any hope of a one off game with my brother, one that would feature any bad shots being erased from the memory and indeed the score card, followed by a tiresome and lengthy bar room discussion about the one good shot that was played during the whole round.

Looking back over this Blog, it has dawned on me what a quite frankly ridiculous game golf is, how I was so addicted to it I don’t know. It is game full of deceit, resentment, anger, helplessness, rage and self loathing all in pursuit of microscopic fragments of joy that come along about as often as Hayley’s Comet. The fact that I have waited six years to have a little dig at my elder brother is a perfect indication of how petty it can get, as when you are getting beaten by a sibling the act of cheating raises it’s head in a way that it would not in any other aspect of life. If you are found out, it is a worse act than getting caught having anal sex with a chimpanzee, but when you have taken eight shots out of a bunker it is pretty easy to assume your partner has lost count thus allowing you to reduce the deficit to six or even less, but then the whole pleasure of victory is tainted by your conscience, but as we know, Kim jong-Il had no conscience, so, in a poignant kind of way, his preposterous golf score is a perfect illustration of his leadership…..cheating, deceiving and making up the rules as he went along.

I must give my brother a call to catch up……..and to see if he wants a game of golf over Christmas!

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