BT are one of the great institutions when it comes to ineptitude. I really dont know where to start to be honest, you wouldn’t think they could cock up more if they tried, anyway, I will try to explain.

When I recently moved to North Waltham, I had a BT phone and Broadband succesfully installed for my business, okay okay, they did turn up at 9.00 am when I said after 1pm as Richard was on nights, but I can forgive that even if Richard can’t. But then inexplicably they started turning up at other addresses in this street to install Broadband for Mr Lethaby, what on earth is that about. I asked them to send the bills to my accounts address, too much to ask, they came here, more of an inconvenience than a real problem, and I daren’t tell them or they would probably cut me off or something.

However the real fun started at my former family home. Obviously I didnt want to have a business line there anymore, but I didnt want the family (in particular Harry) to lose the wireless connection either, so it was arranged the business line/broadband would close, and the domestic line would go over to broadband. All the equipment arrived safely and all I had to do was set it up manually to Harry’s laptop, piece of piss.

I set everything up (in fairness the BT set up manuals are quite good) and went through the process.

• Wait for wireless light to come on. Yes good.
• Test connection. Yes good, all going well so far.
• Input WEP key shown at base of Wireless Hub. Ooh yes found it, good stuff.
• Connection successful. Hooray
• Now input username and password sent in your introductory letter/email. Pardon?

I didn’t have an introductory letter or email, so how was I supposed complete the installation? I looked on the brochure. Aha! usefull numbers and tips.

Customer Service, that must be the one…….”Welcome to the BT fault service, if you wish to report a fault press 1……..I didn’t want to report a fault!! Unless they meant a fault in their service I suppose, didn’t think of that.

I dialled another number, the Inept Helpline or something. “Your call is very important to us but we are very busy so fuck off!” They didn’t say that of course, but the line did go dead without any clue as what I was supposed to do next, so they might as well have done.

Eventually I tried the BT IT department, pressed option 5 just for the crack of it, and proceeded to listen Vivaldi for twenty minutes as tears of frustration ran down my face and the battery on phone faded. Eventually I spoke to Gavin, a polite Scotsman. I gave him the number so he could find me on his computer. “Aah here we are Mr Claremont…………………” That’s not my name, I know that, everyone knows that, but hey I better not sidetrack him, as he was trying to help.

“Aah I see what has happenened Mr Claremont, your new email, username and password were sent to your new email address.” This is true, they had sent a new email address, to the new email address! How in heavens bloody name was I supposed to open an email from an address which had been sent to my new email address, I suppose I could have guessed enragedcustomer@btconnect.com perhaps. This all came back to when I opened an account at my new address and it completely threw them out of bonk (my company name is Claremont you see). Anyway Gavin had the username and password and I managed to connect…………at a speed slower than dial up!!! “Oh dont worry Mr Clare……….Mr lethaby, it is just finding the best route from the exchange, turn it on and off two times a day for two weeks and it will sort itself out.” A likely story.

The moral of the BT Story is this. “If you have Broadband and it works properly, dont fuck about and try to change numbers or anything, leave it well alone, otherwise BT will drive you to an early grave, and probably send you a bill for phones calls made from heaven.