Decree Absolute

Posted on September 24, 2009

As predicted, no one, for some reason, has contested my divorce during the the six weeks, and one day of the period of Decree Nici, they must have been too busy, or just plain forgetful. That means I have paid all that money for nothing, it’s a crying shame.

So that is that, I am no longer married, which if I am honest, is a loosening weight of my back, and though I wont be throwing a massive party like some odd people do, it is another obstacle out of way, and a potential end to solicitors bills. I am not even going to calculate the total legal costs, it’s not worth beating myself up over.

To begin with, I hated the stigma of divorce, having tell my friends, filling out forms as “separated” having to tell solicitors details my private life, it is distressing, and at times, causes feeling of deep resentment towards certain people, there are occasions when you feel everything is against you.

Then I realised, that I wasn’t in a minority, it happens all the time. At work last week, there was seven of us in the office, six divorced, and playing golf the other day, there was three of us divorced out of the four playing. If you get married in your twenties, the chances of the marriage surviving are miniscule when a mid life crisis sets in for either party.

When divorce happens, there are two ways to go, you can either curl up in a corner, and make your mates miserable by boring them about how bad you feel, or you can try to be positive, get out, go on a few dates, meet new peer groups, and try to get on with it, even when you feel a bit shit. I don’t think any of my friends can claim that I was turning up round their houses expecting to be fed, before ruining their evening, though Stewart and Clare and Di, my new girlfriend ,took a bit of stick to start with.

That is not saying that I have rid myself off bitterness completely, I will take some convincing that the instigator of a divorce should be the one who stays in a house, and receives the majority of the equity. Of course the lesser earner has to be looked after financially, I wouldn’t want my kids in a council house, but surely there should be a financial risk for making a decision of such magnitude, or at least an equal share of assets. If I had walked away, I would have expected huge financial consequences, yet I didn’t walk………………but I still have huge financial consequences. But I will get over it, I have to, and I will always pay my way, I am not one to hide earnings from the CSA or go on the dole just out of spite, what’s the point in seeing you kids starve just because you resent a legal ruling, though I don’t see why a man who has virtually joint access does not receive any financial assistance. There are no tax breaks or family allowance for me trying to be a good Father, why is that?

However, I think that all that “Fathers For Justice” bollocks is just Fathers trying to get back at ex partners/wives, because I have never had any issues from my ex wife with seeing my kids, and even if I had, one part of the legal system that is correct, is a good Father’s right to seeing his children . Though some aspects of “Fathers for Justice” are undoubtedly with good intention, but I have seen first hand how a bitter ex husband and overall pretty shit Dad, will use it as tool to try to emotionally disturb an ex wife he resents. A good Father has nothing to worry about as far as I can see, a bad one who deserts his family is right in the shit, and rightly so.

So that’s it, nearly two years after all the turmoil, I am now back on my feet, I enjoy my kids company when I want, I have lost weight, I have a lovely new girlfriend, new friends, and I have re started old hobbies (Golf) and found new ones (Cricket). Bitterness towards some people still raises it’s ugly head sometimes, and causes mood swings, but that subsides by the day. One thing that annoys me though, is that I know a couple of people who made moral judgements about me when I thought they were friends. Maybe their own little warped view on life needs checking, not everyone is perfect, but as they say, in a crisis, you find out who your friends are, and 99% of them still place.

Marriages fall apart for number of reasons, that doesn’t make either party a bad person (unless there has been drugs, drink,gambling or domestic violence) in fact the experience often makes them better people, with a new lease of life.

Divorce is not a crime, it’s just life, and I still think marriage works for many people, it is a great institution, it just didn’t happen for me, but I don’t regret giving it a go.

3 Replies to "Decree Absolute"

  • joecain
    September 25, 2009 (4:11 pm)

    I would like to tell you that your assessment of Fathers 4 Justice and the family court do not reflect the reality of things.Your believe that they are just a group trying get back and ex spouses and good fathers don't really have anything to worry about is way off base. I am a father why has done nothing wrong and have committed no crime yet the courts allow mine and my childs rights to be violated every day. In my case I have evidence of physical and mental abuse of my child at the hands of his mother and the judges have choosen to ignore it.My ex has lied repeatedly to every authority figure involved in my case and the judges have even pointed that fact out to her on the record, yet they once again choose to ignore it.My ex ha s violated every court order ever put in place and routinely interferes with my parenting time and once again with no consequence to her.I have delt with a lot of parents who have been dealing with their own similar situations with child custody, and the courts ignore it. In fact the courts routinely have created a "winner and loser mentality where on parent is treated like anything they do is okay while the other is treated like a criminal even though no crime has been committed.I will agree that there may be some members within these groups that may have made some mistakes within there own relationships and their custody battles. I will not concede that this makes it okay for the parent to be removed from the childs life. I do not know you circumstances in life but it sounds like you have a cooperative ex spouse and you are one of the few lucky ones. But don't think for a second that us parents out there fighting for the rights to see our kids are just vindictive and deserve it. I hope you never have to experience it but never judge a parent's actions until you know the pain of knowing you may NEVER see your child again.
    Thank you,
    Joe Cain
    NJ State Coordinator
    Fathers 4 Justice

  • Bob Lethaby's Blog
    September 25, 2009 (10:34 pm)

    I fully take on your thoughts, and I am truly sorry if I have upset you, and I have perhaps been misguided with my comments, it was naive to use two examples as a judgement. However, I was assured by solicitors that my rights to joint custody would stand up in court, my wife chose not to fight this, probably because she was already deep in to a new relationship and enjoyed the free time with her new partner. I have a friend who's partner has used FFJ as threat, which I felt was unjust when he was given access at any time and chose not to take it up. I hope you find what you deserve, it sounds a dreadful situation, and you have taught me not to be so judgemental, I am shocked that judges and courts are behaving in a manner and are so biased to someone who is unfit to parent your children. I sincerely hope that you get what you deserve in the future.

  • ronnie
    October 18, 2010 (3:12 am)

    Hi! Thanks for sharing… It's too bad when a family undergo this kind of process. Hence, there are times that it's important to at least have it. My friend got her decree absolute last week because she lost it.

    Decree Absolute

Got something to say?

Some html is OK

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.