What a shocking experience I had last night, I have never been so scared in my life. Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night to hear someone in your kitchen!!!

It happened to me last night, I had gone to bed at about 11.30 and about 12.30 I awoke to hear loud, nervous breathing downstairs. Shit, shit, shit, what was I to do, someoneone was in my house, because it dawned on me I hadn’t locked the back door!!!

I have a vivid imagination at the best of of times but now my mind was racing……………….of course, it was obvious, I had just thrown in to the recycling bin cardboard from all the boxes of new stuff I had bought. TV, DVD Player, Computer Printer, Microwave, Toaster, Food blender, good god, it was a gift to a would be burglar to see all these boxes, he would know the house was full of new stuff, what a fool I was, would I ever learn?

Anyway, I had to deal with it now, and get my mind straight, I was torn between letting him have everything, and attacking him for having the audacity to nick all my nice new items, could I just let him get away with it?………no I couldn’t, I had to be a man and confront him or at least scare him off, then no one, me in particular, would get hurt. Why wasn’t I Tony Martin? Why didn’t I have a shotgun to shoot him up the arse? Probably because I didn’t know how to use one, so I picked up a chair.

I tiptoed across the landing and starting my descent, I stopped for a second, he was still here the breathing clearer now, but more sporadic, heavy and almost asthmatic, nearly in time with my heart, which was now attempting to burst through my rib cage, this is what it must have been like for an under threat caveman. The door from the hall to the living room was ajar, giving me the opportunity to survey the scene, nothing but the breathing……………..HE WAS IN THE FUCKING KITCHEN WHERE ALL THE KNIVES WERE!!!!!

Oh How I could see the irony, it was my birthday, and exactly a year to the day that my girlfriend had bought me a stainless steel John Lewis carving knife that was of such sharpness it would cut through me like butter, I could almost see the headlines “Have a Go Hero Butchered by Birthday Present.”

I stood in the living room, this was a pivotal moment in my 42 years on the planet, I decided my only option was to put on my best most nasty Cockney gangster accent. I calmed myself, the fucker was still in there, I could hear the breathing, still heavy, threatening, and menacing, this bastard meant business, so I needed to pretend I did too, even though I was as close to it gets to a quivering wreck………………………………………….

“RIGHT YOU FACKIN CANT YOU ‘AVE FREE FACKING SECONDS TO GET OUT OF MY FACKIN ‘OUSE OR YOU ARE FACKIN DEAD”

Not bad coming from an utter coward with shit running down his leg. I Ran in to the kitchen with the chair raised and…………………….and…………….he had gone…………..fuck me the accent had worked, I’d shit the life out of him, and get this, he had got away with nothing, I was a hero, the awards would be arriving thick and fast!!!

Then suddenly the breathing again, clearer than ever, how could it be, the room was empty?
It was the bloody iron……………..I had left it on, and every 3-4 seconds it was letting out a jet of steam reminiscent of deep asthmatic breathing. What a prick, I flopped in to the chair and pissed myself laughing out of sheer relief.

I suffer a bit from high blood pressure, imagine if I had keeled over with a heart attack, no one would have ever got to the bottom of my death, they would have just found my naked corpse and a burnt out iron, what a mystery that would have been!!! I suppose if I had collapsed and the iron had fallen on top of me, my friends and children would have been informed by Police that I had died carrying out a bizarre and sexually dearranged act of ramming a red hot iron up my anus.

Perish the thought.