My short term memory is really starting to cause me concern, I am at the point of being hopeless. Take today for instance, I had a free morning so I decided to take a visit to the gym before coming home and making a cup of tea. Nothing unusual in that apart from the fact that I was in the house in North Waltham I left two weeks ago!

I am forever losing things like keys, wallet’s (I have given up wearing glasses) and jackets, I even left my shopping in Sainsburys the other week, driving off and leaving the trolley full of food. It was only when I got home and went to put the shopping away I remembered. I must have forgotten it because I was still congratulating myself for finding my car first time rather than walking around for ten minutes. Fed up with constantly losing my keys I made a hook in the kitchen to put them on, then forgot I had hung them there.

I am now on issue 11 on my debit cards, as I have this fantastic habit of leaving them in machine at tills and garages and shops, I lost the last one two days after receiving it as a replacement, try explaining that to some poor bastard in a lost continent.
“I have lost my card”
“I know sir, you should have a new one any day”
“No I have got that one……………..well I haven’t because I have lost it”
“Yes I know we cancelled it and sent you a new one sir”
“Yes and I have lost it”
“Pardon sir”
“Lost that one too”

I am not sure how “for Fucks sake” is pronounced in Mumbai ( Actually I think it is somewhere else now, they have the most odd American/Asian accent these guys) but I am sure he said it.

I had to laugh a few days later when two cards turned up, it was if though he was making a pre emptive strike to avoid the misfortune of talking to me again.

The strange thing though, is that I have a long term memory which is so good I can even impress people at dinner parties. Dates of world wars, the Cuban missile Crisis (1963), USSR invasion of Czechoslovakia (1968) Afghanistan (Christmas day 1980), harsh 20th century winters (1947, 1963,1979) hot summers (76, 83, 89, 95, 2003) FA Cup winners of the 70’s and 80’s (plus scorers) number 1 singles from what year, even month, prime ministers from Askwith to Thatcher, I am like a walking Wikipedia site. Whenever ever my friends want some worthless piece of information like was “Caravan of Love” a Christmas number one for the Housemartins they will get come to me and get the reply “Aah yes that was 1986, it did actually get to number one but was toppled from the charts by the late Jackie Wilson with Reet petite.” Worthless shit stored somewhere in my weird little head.

So what makes my daily memory so crap? Why do I walk in to the kitchen and open a cupboard without knowing what I am looking for, why do I leave the iron on, why do I reverse over my golf clubs, why do I leave my phone on the car roof, and as happened recently why would I hang up a suit on the front door so not to forget it, before promptly putting it back in the cupboard and driving off without it?

The answer is I don’t know, I don’t think I have Alzheimer’s unless I have had 20 years, and after investigation I have discovered it is a man thing, we have too many things going on in our heads at once, some men control it some don’t. I think what happens is, is this. I will be channelling all my thoughts in to not forgetting my debit card when something catches my attention like a good looking woman, a screaming child, or someone I know walking past. Now what I think most men can do is think good looking woman/screaming child/someone I know, must remember my card.
To me the card is now irrelevant, my mind is elsewhere, and that’s where it happens, hence the “clever lad, to easily distracted” school reports. If something is not interesting I am not interested, and what can be more mundane than pulling a card from a slot, turning an iron off, or remembering where your house is.

My Girlfriend thinks it is basic lack of organisation and the inability to do anything until the very last second, she wanders how I am alive. I do take her point and I am trying (very) to get things in order. I use Microsoft outlook calendars and have bought myself a blackboard for kitchen, I sync my phone to my computer, and I have even bought one of those folders which has pockets for things like “Personal” “Insurances” “Taxes” and “Utilities”. I always thought those things were for wankers, but I have decided to become chief masturbator if it gives me half a chance of survival.

Now where was I ?????