Yesterday, Britain witnessed something most of us have never seen before, a coalition government, and a big love in in the gardens of number 10 Street which just stopped shot of Nick Clegg and David Cameron fornicating in the Tulips. It is time I suppose, that we all got behind this double act, and hope and pray that it somehow works, though I can’t see it. It has been said that the last time there was a coalition there was a common enemy in Nazi German, the common enemy is now the financial crisis.

The other changes I have noticed recently are in my body and it’s inability to do things that it used to(excluding the cricket miracle). When I was playing cricket on Sunday an opposing player hit four runs that went through a gap in the fence. I ran towards the fence and just as I was about to leap frog over, something in my brain triggered an ABS (Automatic Braking System)in my legs, and I shuffled under it rather than jumping. That means I will probably never feel the thrill of leap frogging a fence again in my life, and that saddens me.

Then, when I was playing golf yesterday with my mate Priv who is back from Australia for a holiday, every time I bent down to pick the ball out of the hole I was making odd and involuntary noises like aaayup, yeurrrrgh, and urghgotcha you bugger. I would love to know what day, and what age I started doing that, it may have been sometime ago, but I have only just become really aware of it. Strangely, the word ‘bugger’ is now turning up in my vocabulary more often the more offensive ‘Fuck’. Got the bugger, you silly bugger, and I’ll be buggered, have drifted into my sentences without warning as has the word twit. Why my brain is telling me that bugger is less offensive than fuck I am not sure, a brief look in the dictionary will tell you that getting buggered would not appear to be a pleasant experience. I have experienced fucking, but fortunately, as yet, I have not been buggered.

A couple of silly old buggers play golf

Finally, apart from the creaks in my bones, it my eyes, what’s going on there? I have worn glasses for driving before, but I used to lose them within a day of paying £120 to gleeful opticians, so I just gave up. However now I can’t see close up, and I have started doing odd things. For instance, I got a packet of rice out of the cupboard the other day and found myself reading the cooking instructions by holding the packet close to my face then yanking it away as far as my arm could extend, all this whilst pulling an expression like I had just seen Anne Widdicombe pole dancing. If you suffer from a similar disposition try it looking in mirror to see how ridiculous you look, it’s funny really.

Anyway, the lady behind the bar at the golf club suggested that I get some reading glasses for £10 from Sainsburys. No chance, I am not that old yet, and in any case I am too busy, I have to get to M&S they have some nice elasticated nylon slacks in there for just £15.00. Then it’s on to Lidls, their marmalade is 3 pence less than Sainsburys.