Has anyone seen that nauseating advert for a mobile phone where a distraught young lady calls Daddy from the car he bought her during what appears to be an incredibly important business meeting?

“He’s left me Dad, I wanted everything to be so perfect”

Daddy drops everything and jumps in to a cab to come to his spoilt daughters aid, as it would appear that she is so beside herself she can’t even get the bloody thing in gear. All the while he has one of the few mobile phones that doesn’t cut out in mid conversation and he eventually reaches her to give her a sympathetic and heroic hug only a Daddy can give.

Why can’t this be more realistic? why can’t he pick up his phone and say: “For fucks sake, not another one? Listen, I am in a business meeting late in the evening trying to seal a deal to get me enough cash to buy you another fucking pony, can’t you get your Mother to come and get you for Christs sake?”

But the reality is that he has to get her, because they have a rather odd relationship which has seen him pamper her (his only child) and dominate her life so much that she is this pathetic useless individual who has had a series of failed relationships because she compares all her unfortunate boyfriends to her successful Father who she adores to such an extent that it is disturbing to any male of her own age group. Consequently after they have seen through her youthful good looks, they realise the shit life they are about to embark on, and clear off with someone with more substance and personality.

She is totally intolerable to a young once happy bloke, but Daddy shoulders the blame because he wants his daughter to be married to a high flying barrister or a brain surgeon, which results in him belittling all her unfortunate boyfriends with questions like: “How much do you earn ,and where do you want to be in ten years time?” Nothing is good enough for his daughter even if it has resulted in his wife leaving him for Roger, a Tennis coach who lived two doors away. That is why she is not on the scene, because she has given up on it all. She hasn’t even talked to the snivelling spoilt little wretch for three years.

Ultimately what will happen is that his Daughter, seeking a figure as strong as her god like Father, will get married to a divorced Solicitor 25 years her senior, and end up living a life of misery as an unloved housewife in a country retreat as he conducts late “meetings” in a lap dancing bar. Mum in the meantime would have been dumped for an eighteen year old fledgling tennis player by the rather dashing but perpetually unfaithful Roger, and she will now be spending her days in a haze of Valium contemplating what the hell happened to her life.

Get these adverts more real please, you can start by having the Father in the car by saying: “Sorry darling I can’t hear you I only have one bar on my signal…………………..hello, hello, hellllloooo………………….aarggh fucking mobile phones!!!!”