Just when we thought things couldn’t get worse, what with Middle Eastern wars, England’s rugby team getting knocked out of the World Cup and a Tory campaigner getting an egg smashed in his face, the UK is now facing an unprecedented plastic bag crisis.

Across the nation social media has been awash with understandable hysteria as consumers debate whether to pay a five pence charge on plastic bags or bring their own carriers with them as they undertake their weekly shop.

Some shoppers who have calculated that the five pence charge will leave them on the precipice of financial disaster, have started using their ingenuity by stealing baskets and trolleys, particularly in poor places like North Wales.

Meanwhile, others, showing the kind of rebellion that threatens to destabilise the very fabric of the British establishment, have threatened to turn their bags inside out before leaving the store; a stubborn show of defiance as they refuse to advertise supermarkets whilst paying for the privilege.

Fortunately, amidst chaos, we can once again thank the newspaper giant, The Daily Mail, who, with calm authority, have suggested that we can save our pennies by bringing our own bags when we do the weekly shop.

Cunning Loophole: The Daily Mail finance section

The Mail really is the peoples paper, offering us vital plastic bag information in its finance section as well as a beautifully penned article by Maureen Lipman warning us to be ‘very, very afraid’ of Jeremy Corbyn, a man that she has confirmed, ‘sups with the devil.’

What I can’t believe, is how stupid the British public seem to be compared to me. When I heard the news of the impending plastic bag crisis, I tapped my temple with my index finger and thought ahead. That’s typical of me you see, always thinking.

Oh yes, last week I filled out an on-line application for a £5,000 loan at 3.7% APR (approximately my annual shopping bill), hired out a Luton van for £55:00 and proceeded to empty all the freezers at a well known supermarket, that for the sake of anonymity, I will call Toscos.

I then hired freezer storage for all my goods (only 29 miles away in my low emission Volkswagen EOS) for just £35.00 a month, meaning that I am now the proud owner of approximately 400 free plastic bags that I am marketing for just two pence each.

I started my first day of trading today, pitching up outside a supermarket in Andover, that for the sake of anonymity I will call ADAS, and despite receiving a blow to the head and being branded “a fucking parasite”, after eight hours stood in the rain, I made a mind-boggling 64 pence on plastic bags that cost me…NOTHING!!!!

This may be a crisis folks, but as I have demonstrated…every bag has a plastic lining!