Converting Runs into Goals to Enjoy my Cricket!

Posted on May 28, 2016

Even by my pitiful standards the start to the cricket season has been one of abject misery as I stand at the crease like Stevie Wonder with his boots tied together, utilising a boomerang as a bat.

When I started to play again about ten years ago, I resembled a one-armed man trying to kill a snake in phone box, but remarkably, sometimes it came off, with a few chaotic scores in the 30’s  satisfying my renewed lust for the most complex of sports.

Not content with these contributions I decided that I needed a 50 before I was 50 (next year) so I set about some open wallet surgery and purchased lessons with a professional at the Dummer Cricket Centre.

Not far short of a thousand pounds later, I fully expected to be in the reckoning for an England place and a punched straight drive for four off a Sunday geriatric and a towering six off of the raw pace of a nine year-old girl (their wicket-keeper called me a cunt) had me convinced I was on the right track for the forthcoming tour of Australia.

A 36 and an agonising 45 not-out followed and it seemed only a matter of time before I kissed the turf and lofted my bat in the air to signal my appreciation to a crowd featuring a passer-by and a confused looking dog.

Alas, my form deteriorated to a point where, as I walked out to bat, the birds stopped singing, the leaves stopped rustling and the trains that pass Oakley Cricket stopped running. I was at a point where I longed to be a bit crap again, rather than absolute, utter crap.


Cutting a Dash: Me in a recent exhibition of ineptitude 

Walking to the crease, I would take “two” rather than “middle” to pretend I knew what the fuck I was doing, but the truth is, I am not even good at being a fraud and it only exposed my stumps further as I played a pathetic forward defensive at thin air and the  ball rattled “through the gate” for which my feet provided an immovable stationery pillar.

I even started playing cricket in multiples of ten (10 being a personal century) to make it more fun but even by using that law, my season has started with 0, 10 and 10, so now I must go to even lower denominations.

Runs are now goals, the game is still cricket but my scoring will be judged in football terms, as if though I were a centre forward. This season I have scored 2 in three outings, which, if you were to ask Harry Kane or Jamie Vardy, is a fair start.

Psychologists are at pains to understand why cricket has, tragically, the highest suicide rate in competitive sports.

A visit to my house after another stressful weekend would offer them clues aplenty.

1 Reply to "Converting Runs into Goals to Enjoy my Cricket!"

  • Paddy
    May 31, 2016 (12:09 pm)

    Nice looking shot.

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