Bastud Backs a Brexit!

Posted on June 2, 2016

Former Conservative Junior Health Minister, Sir Cecil Bastud, has become the latest low profile has-been to throw his weight behind the Brexit campaign.

Sir Cecil, the heir to the Bastud Pork empire, shot to prominence in 1984 when, as a junior health minister to Margaret Thatcher, he produced ‘The Bacon Report’, claiming that pork based products provided a cure for diabetes.


Diabetes Prevention : Bastud and the Bacon Report

Bastud, now 74, was moved to the back benches in 1985 after a series of failed business ventures and allegations regarding rent boys, however, he remained the MP for the Cotswold hamlet, Ringpiece on the Water, until the recent expenses inquiry.

After being accused of claiming £45,000 in mortgage interest on a property that didn’t have a mortgage, Bastud, a fervent patriot, became so furious with increasing EU regulation, he moved to the tax haven of Monaco.

“Britain is becoming a place where fraud, nepotism and voluntary bankruptcy is increasingly exposed by Europrats” lamented Sir Cecil with a wistful look.

“I have no issue with wops, spkiks, krauts and frogs but when they tell me that my factory workers can’t work 72 hours a week on £3.00 an hour, enough is enough.”

“We are British, I want to eat a Cornish pasty made in Berkshire, I want to eat an Eccles Cake made in London, why should I let Brussells decide what my food is called?”

Frothing at the mouth and shouting incoherently, Bastud thinks it is now time to shut our borders, blow up the channel tunnel and replace it with an electric fence.

“Churchill didn’t help liberate Europe so Europe could be liberated, he liberated Europe so Britain could be an isolated Isle of rabid right-wing hatred, a bit like Nazi Germany.”

Unfortunately, our interview with Sir Cecil was cut prematurely due to the arrival of his mental health nurse who needed to undertake his daily course of injections.

When quizzed by reporters Brexit campaign leader, Boris Johnson, would neither confirm or deny that in the event of a leadership coup, Sir Cecil would be made chancellor, saying only that “He talks a lot of sense.”


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