Brexit Impact Report Withheld Due to Euphoria Fears and Spokespersons Dog!

Posted on October 23, 2017

A government spokesman has revealed the real reason why David Davies is refusing to release over 50 Brexit impact reports to the general public.

As pressure mounts and the government face the prospect of legal action, it is claimed that the withholding of the information is due to what ministers are calling ‘strategic euphoria complexities’.

“If the papers are released into the public domain, we have a real issue with the logistics of impromptu street parties and city centre celebrations without a public holiday in place” said the spokesman.

“We need to organise a public holiday as well as giving the manufacturers of bunting, flags, balloons and fireworks enough notice to increase stock to satisfy the demand for what is likely to be the biggest national celebration since VE Day”, he went on.

As the negotiations continue to stall, it was originally thought that the government were withholding information due to rumours that the British economy faced ruin, but not so according to the spokesman.

“It’s typical negative, fake news, to suggest that having no trade deals, increased tariffs and multi-billion pound computer systems on our borders will wreck the economy. In fact to the contrary, it is clear, according to the studies, that we are heading into a golden era where virtually every nation wants to pay us billions and billions in return of trading agreements that for us, will be completely tariff free.

Asked if our source could provide us evidence he declined due to unforeseen circumstances that have made the reports unattainable.

“I was going to bring them but I left them on the kitchen table and the dog chewed them up and put them in the shredder. Unfortunately, I don’t have another copy but we will make one available as soon we can, although the computers are down at the moment and the person who typed the reports died last week and we don’t know her blasted password. It’s all very unfortunate”.

Brexit Bad Boy: Impact reports destroyed

When our reporter pressed the insider for a date when the report could be made public, the answer was forthright.

“The report, which is great news, will be ready when it is ready, possibly early to late next year. As you know, if you listen to the Prime Minister, next year means next year, the report is a report, a broken computer is a broken computer and a delay is a delay”.

Asked how the typist had died we were told that for the good of the nation’s security, no further details were available at this time but that ‘a dead typist means a dead typist’.

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