Johnson, The Pensioner and the Cat!
Posted on September 1, 2019
Sources close to Number 10 have confirmed with The Sun newspaper that PM, Boris Johnson, has helped an old lady across the road and rescued a cat from a tree.
It’s been a great couple of weeks for the down to earth, honest Prime Minister, with the cat and pensioner news following the announcement he has found billions of pounds for public spending in Theresa May’s old wardrobe.
Along with rescuing education, the NHS and the police force with this overnight windfall (after 10 years of austerity) Johnson has also shown how much he loves animals. That’s right, the kind-hearted and loveable buffoon has rescued a dog from some dastardly foreigners.
Johnson’s latest act of selfless humanity occurred when he saw 92-year-old Doris McPastry crossing the road in Chelsea, West London. Johnson dashed to her side and guided her up the kerb.
“It makes you proud to be British”, said Doris, who lives on dog biscuits and keeps warm by burning furniture.
After crossing the road, Johnson saw a cat stuck up a tree. Shouting “We won the piffing ruddy well war, so surely we can rescue a cat?”
Johnson released the cat but on the way down the hapless hero got his trousers caught on a branch. This resulted in his trousers getting yanked down to reveal Union Jack pants.
Free Cars and Holidays
As Johnson waited for the fire brigade, a crowd gathered and started chanting ‘BORIS, BORIS, BORIS’ and ‘WE GOT OUR COUNTRY BACK’. Once he was safely back down to earth, Johnson announced a multibillion-pound government scheme that would give all his voters a new Mercedes and a holiday in the Bahamas.
He also revealed that by invoking the spirit of Dunkirk, he should have a cure for cancer by Thursday next week. Opposition parties who have said that these announcements are preposterous have been branded enemies of the state.