Its been a funny old week. The Tories have opened their election campaign with their honest new strapline saying that we deserve better than them. Jeremy Corbyn has had people nodding along at his policies whilst saying they could never vote for him. Brexit didn’t happen, Britain didn’t explode (although Mark Francois might have done?) and Boris Johnson didn’t die in a ditch, which is terribly unfortunate.

Polls suggest that Johnson, endorsed yesterday by the great Donald Trump, will win the Christmas election with ease. However, the way people choose to vote is so marginal, momentum (excuse the unintended pun there) could change at any given moment. People are torn by who to vote for on a tactical basis, so it is all up for grabs.

The key to all this is who can gain the support of the people who aren’t partisan to one particular leader or party. Johnson, like Trump, has supporters who would back him if he created a policy that would see them kicked in the bollocks once a day, but will he appeal to centrists? Apparently not some say, whilst others say that he will make gains in the North east of England.

If I was a son of a former coal or steel worker from the North East, I would rather spend the rest of my days picking up my dog’s turds with my bare hands and clapping, than voting for Boris Johnson. However, that is what some of them have said they will do (vote Johnson, not clap with dog turds) and if this is the case, the election is a done deal.

Corbyn also has his own partisan fan base of course. However, it does not command the percentage numbers to get any more than at best, a hung parliament. He has to generate new support, hold on to seats in Brexit voting areas and assume Johnson will get his arse kicked in Scotland. Can Labour generate new support and pick up Lib Dems who are feeling edgy about their own leader who has with some aplomb boxed herself into a corner as a one trick pony?

It is widely perceived Corbyn got off on the right foot in his opening gambit by not making Brexit the be all and end all of the campaign and focussing on other issues such as tax avoidance, the NHS and poverty. Johnson, a lazy politician who struggles with attention to detail, is focussing on Brexit and making up a host of fanciful stories about the NHS, education and the police force getting the funding they deserve. Quite a promise after nine years of stripping the funding they deserve.

However, the Tories do deserve some credit. After David Cameron rescued us from the ‘chaos of Labour and Ed Miliband’ in 2015 it was all plain sailing. When he loaded his guns and ran off home for his tea in 2016, Theresa May built on that success by making us strong and stable in 2017. Theresa has now departed and apart from tearing itself to shreds, Britain has never been stronger and more stable.

Who better to hand the reigns over to than a compulsive liar with a host of alleged financial irregularities involving tax payers money, serial fall outs and sacking from former employers, multiple affairs involving uncertain amounts of children and a stinging accusation from a former colleague saying that the people who know him best, hate him the most. Still, how we laughed when he got stuck on a trapeze.

All the sensible Tories have now been stripped of their whips or have resigned. This is because they don’t want to get stabbed in the throat by some lunatic Brexit party member, so all we have left is a bunch of crooks chaired by a Dickensian weirdo plucked from a low budget Hammer House of Horrors movie. Still, his dad wrote a book about how to make money out of economic misery and send it to The Cayman Islands, so he is good at heart.

I love politics, along with modern history, it is a hobby of mine. Unfortunately, I live in an area where my vote counts for nothing. My MP, Kit Malthouse, is everything about Tories I detest. He has a safe seat and a thumping majority, so it is only worth a visit to the polling station to write ‘Wanker’ next to his name. Puerile I know but soothing all the same.

A skilled sycophant with his head so far up Johnson’s arse you can only identify him by his shoes, Malthouse did his bit with his answer to Brexit, ‘The Malthouse Compromise’. It failed miserably, mainly because it was shit; a fifteen-year-old could have come up with something better.

We are supposed to live in a fair democracy but it doesn’t seem so when my vote is worth no more than the words of Boris de Johnson.