Santa in Trouble
Posted on November 28, 2008
Santa on the Brink
“Claus” For Concern as St Nicholas calls in the receivers
Administrators have been called in to ailing children’s Christmas present distributor Santa Claus as the world wide recession bites hard. Santa has blamed his inability to repay existing loans, and the banking crisis for the collapse of the firm which has been trading since 1773.
Speaking outside his home in Lapland, Santa said that he had put himself up for sale for 1p to anyone wishing to underwrite billions of pounds of debt.
“I am no longer able to cope with repayments on my loans, and with overdrafts from leading banks being reduced or cancelled, the cash flow just isn’t there. So much has changed in the last 40 years; I used to deliver a spinning top and a tangerine in exchange for a mince pie, a carrot, and a stiff brandy, now it is X boxes, Nintendo’s, and WII’s worth hundreds of pounds and bugger all in return. Children don’t understand recession, but the money just isn’t there, I am sorry but it’s going to be more a case of No!! No! No! rather than Ho! Ho! Ho! This Christmas”
A reduction in consumer spending is thought to have led to the crisis. Santa Claus employs millions of fake Santa’s across the globe in Shops, Restaurants, and Garden centres charging parents up to ten pounds for crap plastic toys that Santa’s purchasing department have paid less than ten pence for. The cash generated through this system is used to purchase the gifts for children from Christian countries worldwide, and gives Santa enormous purchasing power with retailers and manufacturers alike.
However stronger consumer awareness and the tightening of belts have led to this particular cash cow being hit hard as parents realize they are being taken for a ride. To add to crisis, the Daily ExpressMail reported recently that fake Santa positions had been taken by members of Global terror networks, Eastern European job snatchers, and child sex offenders. This has further distanced Santa from his traditional customer base of young children.
The knock on effects are dramatic with ailing retail giant Woolworth’s being hit hard after Santa stopped paying his agreed credit terms. It is reported over a million fake Santa’s and elves have not being paid for months and Reindeer are finding themselves jobless for the first time in nearly 250 years. Sleigh making companies are being forced to close doors, whilst Santa outfit manufacturers and distributors of brandy, mince pies, and carrots are bracing themselves for tough times ahead.
One leading city analyst summed up the tragedy of Santa’s collapse.
“Santa Claus survived two world wars, and the great depression but now that is about to end, it’s over for Santa unless a bidder can be found. There will be a lot of whingeing kids this year that is for certain.”
Sir Bob Rudolf is thought to be in the recording studios recording a Christmas Song to generate funds to buy Santa. His new single Feed The World with (with presents) goes on sale on Monday. Speaking yesterday Sir Bob said;
“Fuck the address; get your hands in your pockets now. Don’t got to pub tonight, there are kids out there who are going without Nintendo’s this Christmas if we don’t do something this minute, just do it now, or the only gift they will get this year is life, and I very much doubt there will be snow in London this Christmas time, though I expect it will rain, and rivers will flow…… oh and by the way my new autobiography “ Sir Bob Rudolf , The Peoples Poet” is available in all good shops, so get your hands in your pockets now.”