Thank you to all people with the following stickers on their cars saying the following:

• Baby On Board
• Little Princess On Board
• Countryside Alliance
• Back Off You Are Too Close
• I love My Red Setter
• Bollocks To Brown
• 210 FM
• Don’t Follow Me Follow Portsmouth FC
• A Dog Is For Life Not For Christmas
• Beware Mad Bitch Driver
• We Are Millwall, No One Like Us We Dont Care
• A Manchester United Player Urinating On A Liverpool Player
• Fat Fannys/Fat Willies Surf Shack

I have lost count the amount of times I have avoided hitting the car in front because of a sticker saying “Baby on Board”. The population would probably cease to exist without these critical safety announcements. Equally, I have fallen in love with Red Setters, and I am now a fully paid up class A wanker of The Countryside Alliance. I also have (despite being a Reading supporter for 30 years) started following Portsmouth rather than the car in front of me, and I am so shit scared of Millwall supporters that I have rang in the problem show on Radio 210 to tell them my fears. They told me to take up another hobby, so I have started surfing and I intend to go to the hilariously named Fat Willys surf shack in Newquay to buy my equipment.

Once again thank you, without your help my life wouldn’t be worth contemplating, and one thing is for for sure, my pesky kids won’t be getting a dog for Christmas after it dawned on me that after having some festive fun with it, it would be frowned upon if we strapped two bags of cement to the little fella and lobbed it in The River Thames on Boxing Day. Probably some daft legislation bought in by that Loony Lefty Gordon Brown, Bollocks to him!!